My name is Emma-Louise Trotter and I think I am a fraud.
If I was to be completely honest, as I always try to be with you, I think it in almost every area of my life, even as I write this blog I am plagued with feelings of inadequacy. What if people find out that I am actually just pretending to be a good writer and that I make no sense at all. I have written, deleted, rehashed and rewritten this first paragraph, as I do with every post I write, I delete, reword and shuffle. This I am told, by a friend of mine who is an author, is completely normal and simply makes for a good writer, but I have to admit that although her words usually soothe my insanity, this time though not so much. Instead I sit here once more, filled with almost dread that infact someone is going to appear and inform me that in fact I am crap, I cannot write and I would be wise to do the whole blog reading world a service and find a cave somewhere to hide in until the public have finished laughing at my feeble attempt at writing. So I over compensate, I am wild when it comes to self promotion, the first to tweet and post on my facebook about my new post, I believe that the saying goes ‘fake it til you make it’ but now I am concerned that I will end up being a fake somebody and a real nobody.
Most people who know me, I imagine, would describe me as an outgoing confident person, someone who throws herself into life with rather a wonderful aplomb. However, in all honesty almost everything concerns me, I worry about most things that the usual folks concern themselves with and then on top of that I worry about the most peculiar of things.
Il give you a little example, if my phone rings and its a number I don’t know then my immediate reaction is not ‘oohhh i wonder who that is’ its more along the lines of ‘shit whose that? Whats happened? Oh God!’ Bare in mind that when I had my own business my phone rang numerous times every day, and as such I spent large chunks of time feeling really rather unwell with worry….
…and now with this wonderful new job comes equally interesting new worries, every time I get an email from the head of my team, I am convinced that the company has realised that I am in fact useless and not worth having in the team. Truly ridiculous , considering that both of my bosses have, in the last week, told me what a good job I am doing, and yet my inner dialogue is in no way silenced. It simply moves on to another theme, another aspect of my life.
The time that upsets me most is when my mind is allowed to wander to my friendships. I have a real variety of friends, from a physiotherapist, to author, to PA, to an accountant. I have, of course, a slightly different relationship with each of them, they bring something into my life and I can only hope that I do the same for them. But as with my job and my writing abilities I am constantly at odds with myself. What if they really don’t like me, what if actually they chat about it when I am not there, what if they would rather not be friends with me. I am incredibly loyal and go out of my way to support my friends, however they live their lives and I think a lot of my self-doubt comes when friends question that support and care, when they question my loyalty or my actions. Sadly it happens more than I care for.
However, I have worked out a way to deal with that, and its to spend time with people who make me feel valued, people who make me laugh until I almost choke to death on my dinner, people who are there, regardless, with honest and heartfelt care. They have no agenda, they could be else where, but chose to be with me.
This weekend I did just that and it was wonderful, it made me feel wonderful, it eased my chatterbox. I had some of my favourite people round for dinner, including the physio and the author, we howled with laughter, not a moment passed with awkward silence or in fact with anything other than really good fun. Then the following day a few of us sat and people watched in Starbucks and I then giggled the night away with them and went to bed with no voice telling me that I should worry. It was lovely, it was reassuring, mostly because they are straight forward good people, they make me feel important and that does silence the inner critic.
What i have learnt from all of this ,is that there are people in this world who bring something to the table, they offer more than you expect and all they want in return is someone who they can call a friend, the same goes for work, I will continue to go in and give my all, work hard and be the best I can be, for myself as well as for them. As for my writing, well I think honestly that if I wasn’t a little concerned of being thought of as a fraud, I wouldn’t try half as hard to be honest and truthful and write about real, honest, truthful life.
So maybe I wont ever be a perfect somebody, but i’m well on the way to really liking the real somebody that I am.