Is it better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody?

My name is Emma-Louise Trotter and I think I am a fraud.

If I was to be completely honest, as I always try to be with you, I think it in almost every area of my life, even as I write this blog I am plagued with feelings of inadequacy. What if people find out that I am actually just pretending to be a good writer and that I make no sense at all. I have written, deleted, rehashed and rewritten this first paragraph, as I do with every post I write, I delete, reword and shuffle. This I am told, by a friend of mine who is an author, is completely normal and simply makes for a good writer, but I have to admit that although her words usually soothe my insanity, this time though not so much. Instead I sit here once more, filled with almost dread that infact someone is going to appear and inform me that in fact I am crap, I cannot write and I would be wise to do the whole blog reading world a service and find a cave somewhere to hide in until the public have finished laughing at my feeble attempt at writing. So I over compensate, I am wild when it comes to self promotion, the first to tweet and post on my facebook about my new post, I believe that the saying goes ‘fake it til you make it’ but now I am concerned that I will end up being a fake somebody and a real nobody.

Most people who know me, I imagine, would describe me as an outgoing confident person, someone who throws herself into life with rather a wonderful aplomb. However, in all honesty almost everything concerns me, I worry about most things that the usual folks concern themselves with and then on top of that I worry about the most peculiar of things.

Il give you a little example, if my phone rings and its a number I don’t know then my immediate reaction is not ‘oohhh i wonder who that is’ its more along the lines of ‘shit whose that? Whats happened? Oh God!’ Bare in mind that when I had my own business my phone rang numerous times every day, and as such I spent large chunks of time feeling really rather unwell with worry….

…and now with this wonderful new job comes equally interesting new worries, every time I get an email from the head of my team, I am convinced that the company has realised that I am in fact useless and not worth having in the team. Truly ridiculous , considering that both of my bosses have, in the last week, told me what a good job I am doing, and yet my inner dialogue is in no way silenced. It simply moves on to another theme, another aspect of my life.

The time that upsets me most is when my mind is allowed to wander to my friendships. I have a real variety of friends, from a physiotherapist, to author, to PA, to an accountant. I have, of course, a slightly different relationship with each of them, they bring something into my life and I can only hope that I do the same for them. But as with my job and my writing abilities I am constantly at odds with myself. What if they really don’t like me, what if actually they chat about it when I am not there, what if they would rather not be friends with me. I am incredibly loyal and go out of my way to support my friends, however they live their lives and I think a lot of my self-doubt comes when friends question that support and care, when they question my loyalty or my actions. Sadly it happens more than I care for.

However, I have worked out a way to deal with that, and its to spend time with people who make me feel valued, people who make me laugh until I almost choke to death on my dinner, people who are there, regardless, with honest and heartfelt care. They have no agenda, they could be else where, but chose to be with me.

This weekend I did just that and it was wonderful, it made me feel wonderful, it eased my chatterbox. I had some of my favourite people round for dinner, including the physio and the author, we howled with laughter, not a moment passed with awkward silence or in fact with anything other than really good fun. Then the following day a few of us sat and people watched in Starbucks and I then giggled the night away with them and went to bed with no voice telling me that I should worry. It was lovely, it was reassuring, mostly because they are straight forward good people, they make me feel important and that does silence the inner critic.

What i have learnt from all of this ,is that there are people in this world who bring something to the table, they offer more than you expect and all they want in return is someone who they can call a friend, the same goes for work, I will continue to go in and give my all, work hard and be the best I can be, for myself as well as for them. As for my writing, well I think honestly that if I wasn’t a little concerned of being thought of as a fraud, I wouldn’t try half as hard to be honest and truthful and write about real, honest, truthful life.

So maybe I wont ever be a perfect somebody, but i’m well on the way to really liking the real somebody that I am.

E x

Who am I?

A sightly pensive blog this week -

Since starting this blog, I have sold my business, travelled around America and Canada for 8 weeks, got a ace new job, working with cool creative people, like Martin & Elly & Chloe. Its been rather hectic and in all honesty I haven’t really stopped to think about how things have really changed for me.

It got me to thinking last night, with mum away with the girls in Ibiza, and me just chilling at home with the puppies. I realised that I really don’t lose my temper often anymore, I don’t get excessively involved in things that I don’t need to, and mostly I don’t fight fiercely for things that don’t need or deserve fighting for. In my mind I am at peace, I have dealt with my dads passing so much better, I am still traumatised I’m sure, but although I think about him most hours of most days, the thoughts are no long of his frail body in his final days, but of the fun we had, the places we saw together and the things he taught me. So if nothing came from my time away, I have peace about my dad. And I must tell you, it might not be a movie worthy story line, but coming to a peaceful place in grief is a huge weight off my shoulders.

So that’s the brain sorted…..the body however….

Today I went for a coffee with best mate who has started a new diet and made me think that I really should get a grip of my self and my body and get back to being a person I like seeing in the mirror.

I like doing the FatMumSlim Photo a day challenge and the word of today was ‘strange’ and that is what I see when I see photos of myself these days. I always used to be very confident of my looks, slim, big boobs, tiny waist, huge grin and long dark hair. I don’t wish to sound big headed but looking back now I realise I was a bit of a hotty, isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing.
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I remember a boyfriend of mine offering to sell all his worldly goods so that he could buy me an incredible diamond ring, another flew back from a boys holiday and stood in the rain on my door step professing his undying love for me. These days, no word of a lie, I am lucky to get a second glance walking down the street. This I fear is due to 2 main things, that go hand in hand.

The first is that I have put on 5 stone since then, I was around 10 stone and a size 12, these days I am closer to a 20. Entirely of my own doing, I have no good excuse, I eat too much shit and I don’t move my fat ass often enough. Secondly though and a direct result of being over weight is that I don’t really like being looked at, I don’t really like how I look and I don’t really know when I started not looking like me. But it has happened and it sucks, and honestly, really hurts me deep down.

I know people say that whats in the past is best left there, and usually I agree, however on this point I don’t, I plan on getting my old body back. I plan on wearing skin tight dresses once more, I plan on buying a Chanel quilted bag when I get back to 10 stone. I have printed a picture off of the one that I want and it is stuck next to my mirror with my favourite all time photo of me. As inspiration. I have also started writing affirmations on my bathroom mirror where I do my make up in the morning.

Tomorrow mornings is “you are better than you give yourself credit for”
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So this afternoon I have dyed my hair back to being dark, who was I kidding trying to be a blonde, I am brunette and proud, it seems others think the same since I put the pic on Instagram and Twitter I have had a few really lovely comments, which in turn gives me a huge boost in confidence.
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I have also been shopping and bought gorgeous colourful veg and fruit and plan on eating well, no diet, just really healthy, no crap, no fizzy drinks, no cake, no white carbs. I imagine I may be a little irritable at first, but my plan is to have lost a stone by my birthday Party on 27th October, fancy dress party non the less.

I have also committed myself to 30 mins minimum a day on the bike in the house – together with walking around 3 miles a day with the dogs, I am hoping that it something I can really get into!

I have realised that I needed to bit bottom before I got my act together and did something about not only the way that I look but my attitude towards my body and learning to treat it with a little more respect.

So here’s hoping that in a months time, so only 4 blog posts time I will be well on my way to a stones loss!

I want to thank people ahead of time who I know will be instrumental in me achieving goals, they know who they are. So thank you. And thanks to my inspiration this morning over coffee :-)

 

eHarmony….shmarmony!

Right I would like at this point to draw your attention to the fact that I in no way see myself as a perfect catch, relationship wise. I have flaws, many in some ways. I am not at my fittest, hottest most awesome self, but I am on the way back there!

Since meeting Mr 3 Piece suit there has been a distinct shift in my attitude towards relationships, I have accepted that although I would love to have butterflies the minute I meet someone, I have to accept that I may just end up disappointed. I also am surrounded by couples, A&K, C&C are my favourites, they show the full spectrum of relationship shades, from the love to the loathing I get to see it all. That is the thing I miss most about being with someone, its not actually the love part, its the being together part, the having someone to talk to late at night when you can’t sleep, the person who knows you by choice not because they have to, someone whose chest I can rest my head on when the world seems a little scary.

And so here I am a month into online dating and to be honest its a sad state of affairs, I am quite honestly shocked and disheartened by the ‘matches’ that eharmony seem to think I will fall madly in love with and go on to star in a sappy tv ad!

Now for those of you lucky gits who have found love in a dark bar whilst dancing to scissor sisters and drinking a vodka&red bull or via your very kind friends then all this ‘online’ dating malarkey may be new to you – if so then it goes a little something like this…..

Step 1- Realise just how hideously lonely you are, go on a night out get painfully drunk and end up calling an ex only to be delightfully awoken the next morning with a patronising text from him going a little like this “Emma, i’m with someone else now, I really think you should find someone too” Yeah thanks dick head! I am clearly trying and failing, hence the late night call to you! Moron!

Step 2 – Accept that maybe you need a little assistance in the whole dating game, see an advert on tv of a shiny cute couple who have found everlasting love via the medium of online dating. So you sign yourself up and wait for the plethora of beautiful, talented, charismatic men to flood your inbox.

Step 3 – Massively regret signing up for this service as all it does is remind you of the fact that you are painfully picky and that the chances of you finding said beautiful, talented and charismatic chap are about as likely as creating a fully functional chocolate teapot!

The particular site I am on asked me a 100,000,000 questions in an effort to ‘match’ me with someone looking for the same things in life, with the same morals and searching for the same type of relationship. Let me just tell you something, whoever made their ‘match maker’ algorithms needs shooting!

I am not looking for someone who is 5ft 4, unemployed and living with his parents. I also do not need to waste my time talking to someone whose opening statement says “I’m awesome”, how about the man who looks a little like Santa after a heavy night out…..I ask you why have they been suggested to me? Is it a subliminal way of telling me that the best I can do is scrape the barrel at this point?

I don’t like to come across as being cruel towards others, Mr 5ft4 may in fact be lovely, and have a genuine reason for living at home and being unemployed but to be honest I am 27 in just over a month and I don’t have time to deal with all of that! I have my own agenda, and I know that it isnt like it is in the movies, but now I have been reminded of that feeling of a racing heart beat and flushed cheeks, I know what it feels like once more to slow dance with someone, and chat about nothing under the stars drinking champagne….

……So here is the new plan – get a new job, get a social life, get a man.

The new job bit has been checked, I started today at a wonderful digital agency in Leeds called Sticky Eyes, and am now surrounded by very like minded, uber cool and all round awesome folks. There are some very cute faces to keep me entertained as well. They are a super social lot and I have already been invited on a few nights out including the work fancy dress night out. So I think that point 2 – get a social life – is well on its way.

Anyone who knows me, knows that when it comes to patience, the personality fairy pretty much missed me out! I do things my way and in my own time, if that means asap then asap is when it will happen. As always if you cannot wait for the next installation of this blog you can follow me on twitter

I think that this blog may be simply the start of the journey… so hold on tight and prepare yourself for my no holds barred relationship revolution!