Will I ever be enough?

 

Somewhat of a serious note to this weeks blog, something I have wanted to blog about really since starting Hey World.

Like many people in the world, I read blogs, I tweet and I have a Facebook account. I interact via social media every waking hour. Mostly this is down to my job, where I work with bloggers and spend most of my time at work searching and reading blogs. But I am now more than a little concerned by the amount of time I devote to it outside of work hours leads me to think that I may have a problem. It’s not just the amount of time that I spend idly checking friends Facebook status updates and photos of the weekend;  reading favourite blogs about fashion and lifestyle, or replying to and re-tweeting tweets, it’s the impact it seems to be having on my own self worth.

I follow some amazing women on twitter, they run successful companies , have beautiful husbands and angelic looking children, they are part of book clubs and attend events most nights, they snap pictures of themselves in clothes I love, and I start to think they have the life that I want.  What started as a genuine interest in the snippets  of these bloggers lives, that they chose to share with the world has now become my way of measuring myself up against others. Now when I read  blogs it makes me question my own life,  I end up feeling down about the lack of a social life I have, that I don’t go out in the week really, that I am single, that I am not at the top of my game work wise. This isn’t the bloggers fault, and I guess not really my fault; people seem to be of the opinion that its ‘modern life’; but I am not comfortable with that I don’t think. I think that I need to really stop, take a step back and re-evaluate.  Case in point – during the 40 minutes I have taken to write this post I have checked my twitter and Facebook 6 times; this makes me sad.

I read magazines and don’t belittle myself for not having airbrushed skin or a catwalk worthy body, and that’s because I know that they are edited to within an inch of their life, airbrushed and more than likely live on a diet and exercise regime that would make me weep. But the difference with bloggers is; they are real, genuine people, usually not air brushed and therefore I find myself comparing every moment of my life to them.

I think it all boils down to my competitive nature, I hate being anything but the best at things. I want to have the best blog, the coolest life and to be honest would like every now and again to feel a little smug about my life; the problem with that is I wont attempt something unless I know I will be good at it. Hence the sustained single-ness and not having the body of a fashion blogger, because what if I fail? What if at the end of it all I am never enough?

And thus the floodgates are opened about what is ‘enough’?

Will I ever be settled with my lot? Happy and content with the life that I have? Will I ever realise how fortunate I really am to have first world problems like not having a high ranking blog on Google or an instagram with 1,000,000 followers? When will I realise that although I am single, I am surrounded by love. When will I realise that my job is amazing, and that more than that I am lucky to have a job and money coming in every month, and somewhere beautiful to live.

When will it all be enough?

So with that in mind my new plan is to limit my use of social media to working hours, to put my phone out of sight of an evening and to limit myself to an hour a day over the weekend. I feel like an addict, weening myself off social media; but I am concerned that if I don’t then the feelings of inadequacy will only increase.

If you are in the same boat; I’d love to know I’m not the only one suffering with feelings of inadequacy.

E x

 

 

 

Although I don’t always show it…..I am grateful

So last week was some what of a downer for me, I cannot put my finger on why it was, all I know is, I was not in a good place.

Feeling down is something that tends to creep up on me when least expected, when everything seems to be easy sailing  then without warning a dark cloud appears and no amount of joviality or relaxation seems to shift it.

Now I would never, ever class myself as depressed, mostly because I spent 5 very sad years during my teens suffering from depression, going to counselling and being on medication that made my whole world very flat. As such I know that even on my worst day now, its nothing like the dark days of then. So I know that as most things in life do, the feeling will pass.

The thing that I struggled with though was, no rhyme or reason for my deflated, sad and truly low mood. I am in a job I love, surrounded by lovely people, I have a beautiful home to live in, with the love of my life Lynyrd, I have friends I adore and to be honest I have a charmed life.

Last week though even the joy of being asked out on a date did nothing to pacify my feelings of gloom, maybe it was the hideous weather, or the fact that another week has passed and yet again I have failed at eating healthily, maybe it was the dark mornings and lack of decent sleep. More than likely it was all of those things.

Today though, not only heralds a new week but also a new month and more importantly the start of my favourite season.

Thus, new beautiful winter boots have been purchased, and the excitement is building for my Birthday Fancy Dress party. So today the new boots are on, I am embracing the Berry AW2012 trend and I am planning on blasting that hideous dark cloud into oblivion. Here is how I plan on doing it: -

I read a wonderful blog post on This Little Lady Went to London it was written by a really great guy I follow on twitter called Ryan James Lock - not only is he incredibly gorgeous he really is a champion of positive thinking and looking on the bright side of life. Perfect tweets for Monday morning drudgery. The post he wrote was entitled ’14 Ways to feel better about yourself’ It listed some really fantastic ways of being kinder to yourself and thus being a nicer person to be around. Of the 14 here are the 3 that I plan on taking forward with me this week in my bid to be kinder to myself.

1 – Every day write down 20 things you are grateful for

(this seems and inordinate amount, but once you are on a roll its not that hard)

So here are mine  - my dog Lynyrd, having a beautiful home to live in, getting to go to a job that I love every day, twitter followers who make me smile, the 40 minutes of peace on the train in the morning, sunshine this morning after all that rain, reading a book that makes me howl with laughter, my incredible friends, knowing I am a little part of  my friends new book, new winter boots that fit my calves, its the month of my birthday, the super friendly guy in Starbucks  my freedom, getting a seat on the train, having naturally curly hair that looks great just out of bed, my mum, today is a brand new start, I have people in my life who love me and finally I am alive.

Try writing your own, once you get into the swing of realising that there are all kinds of things that have already happened to you today that you have to be grateful for.

2 – Don’t buy into it 

This is a good one for me, I have been known to go rapidly  from being really happy with the person that I am and the way that I look to being shockingly down on myself simply because I have read a magazine and felt like I am not achieving enough. I am not the highest achieving creative exec at work, I am not the perfect size 10, I do not have perfect skin or have saved the lives of 100,000 children. But today, today I am not buying into all of that, I am appreciative of what I have, who I am and the fact I have the total control and freedom to do as I wish with my life, and make it whatever I chose. Something I know a lot of people in my life suffer with, something I wish I could make easier for them, but I have realised that I cannot make them happy, I just have to be there to make them see that the person that they are is just perfect.

3 – Let it go 

The past is exactly that, with all the amazing technological leaps forward man kind have made, we cannot go back and change the past, its there, its done, leave it the hell alone! Stop despising yourself for the choices you made 10 hours, 10 weeks, 10 years ago. At the moment you decided to do it, it was your choice, stand by it. At the same time take solace from Baz Luhrmann Sunscreen Lyrics  -

“Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum”

So that ladies and gentleman is my little bit of wisdom  do with it what you will, discard this email never to be read again, or take from it some small ways to make your day a tiny bit better.

Thank you all for being wonderful  reading my ramblings and being so kind. You all make me very happy, even on my worst day.

E x