No More

When I was a little girl I was told, as I know a lot of girls are, that I was pretty, had beautiful unique eyes, had hair grown women dreamed about, and that I could do anything I wanted with my life. I accepted it because I was told it by the people who loved me.
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Dad & I 

So what happened between then and now. I have the same eyes and the same thick hair, and I am doing everything that I want in life. and yet I struggle.

I struggle with the fact that despite being told throughout my childhood the things I mentioned above, and many more, the only one that I held on to and has shaped me is the one about my ability to do anything I want with my life. I am doing exactly as I wish with my life. Everything I have done in my life has come from me, and yet when I look in the mirror it isn’t my accomplishments I see, it’s the things I think I have failed at.

How come I managed to turn all that positive reinforcement and support about my abilities and capabilities to achieve anything into a real life existence, yet as I sit and write this I am plagued with feelings of inadequacies about my looks that I have led me down a path to being overweight and horribly unfit.

I think that a lot of it stems from the fact that as girls we are taught by the people outside our home life that it’s the things we achieve in school that define us as we age. We are taught in school so that we can continue upwardly through life, to achieve success. In all that though I think certain messages are lost. I don’t think that girls are recognised for their naturally abilities, only those that are taught by others.

Yet as soon as we are grown those wonderful lessons we were taught, the incredible volumes of knowledge we have had imparted onto us over the years fall by the wayside and we are left with an overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction that no amount of pay rises, promotions and big offices can over quell.

I judge myself based on the viewpoint of others. I only believe I am a good friend, if those around me tell me so. I only believe I am attractive if the people I find attractive find me so. I am only ‘right’ when someone tells me I am.

I don’t know if any of you reading feel this way, if you don’t then apologies, but I have decided in the last 40 minutes, although its been coming for some time, that as long as I am happy with the person I am, what I see in the mirror and my actions towards others then the opinions of others become null and void.

At the beginning of 2013 as the clock stuck midnight I made a promise to myself;

no more

No more trying to be someone else, no more trying to be the best at things that don’t matter and instead focus on the things that do, no more spending time angry that certain people in my life don’t behave the way I think they should, no more despising the reflection I see in the mirror. No More.

Instead here are my 2013 vows (not resolutions)

- I will not stop watching airbrushed american television shows that make me feel bad about how I look. Instead I vow to read more of the authors who inspire me, follow the lives of women who work for the bodies they deserve and find time to work on myself.
- I will not dye my hair over and over again longing for it to be something it never will be. Instead I vow to be kind to it and treat it well and most of all not try to have the looks of someone else, but create looks of my own.
- I will not pay to have plastic stuck to me nails because I think that the best way to have long nails. Instead I vow to grow my nails with patience and treat them well.
- I will not use fake tan or sun beds. Instead I will embrace my beautiful pale skin which I have recently realised actually suits my green eyes and dark hair.
- I will not read more into the tweets, Facebook statuses or other social networking site posts of my friends. Instead I vow to spend time with them; honest time so that when they post arsey snarky posts (which they still will) I will know that its nothing to do with me.
- I will not eat junk food. Instead I will allow myself a treat whenever I wish as long as it’s a small amount and I can justify eating it.
- I will not continue to allow my body to deteriorate. Instead I will exercise for 30 minutes every single day. Be it a brisk dog walk, a dance class, a swim or whatever else I wish.
- I will not see the success of others as a failure in me. Instead I will celebrate success with them and strive harder to focus on my aims and goals and not take my eye off them.

love what you do

Finally I will not deny myself any experience, opportunity or emotion. Instead I will go through life open-minded, honestly and with every intention of becoming the greatest version of myself possible.

Would love to know what you feel about this?

E x

PS don’t forget you can still enter my Instant Print business card giveaway 

Is it just me?

I love quotes; motivational, thought-provoking, compassionate or funny. I am a fan of them all.

Want to know what I’m not a fan of? Over use and under action. I’m one of those people who actually take heed of the quotes and find something within them to take with me either on a day-to-day basis or when I’m in need of a little support.

However, recently the likes of Facebook, twitter and Instagram have been littered with quotes, flippantly used, put out into the world, copied and pasted and I’m not sure of the reason people post them?!

Think one of the ones that really pushed me over the edge recently and prompted this rant, appeared on the blog header of a beauty blogger.

Roosevelt Quote

I’m sure when Roosevelt was standing up for an end to racial segmentation, or pushing for the US to join the United Nations or maybe when she sat in the first seat of United Nations Commission on Human Rights she wasn’t thinking this quote would be used to promote a beauty blog! To say the blogger has entirely missed the crux of the quote is potentially the biggest understatement possible. It infuriates me, maybe it shouldn’t, but Lordy does it!

It’s not just the misuse of the quotes, but the incessant use of them, the plastering of them everywhere, and the lack of follow through. I’m not saying that every time you write something inspiring that you must run with steely determination to accomplish something on the back of the quote, but surely by putting them into the world without action you are slowly diluting their message.

I think more what infuriates me is the lack of action, if you are so inspired by the forceful thought-provoking words of the past why are you just posting them on Facebook, why aren’t you acting on them.

So I will share my favourite quote, I hold dear to me and act on, most if not all days.

“Everything will be alright in the end, if it isn’t alright, if it isn’t alright it isn’t the end”

Everything alright in the end

Yes I know it’s not the most powerful of quotes, but as I watched my mum sink further into depression and grief at the loss of the love of her life I searched for comfort for both of us. This seemed to appear out of the blue at the perfect time, on the front of a greeting card. But it helped, it helped me know that if I carried on helping, doing what I was then mum would pull through. Because when it comes down to it, the thought of reality is far more scary than the reality itself.

It’s a great few lines to carry with you in life. To remember that however awful something feels, however difficult, it will pass; things might not be the same, but they will be OK.

So do you have a favourite quote? One you hold dear?

E x

PS don’t forget about my Instantprint giveaway – open for another 5 days!

Super Duper Giveaway!

So February is upon us, and after the incredible month that was January I am thrilled to tell you about things things I have coming up. Which is handy since I have set myself a 28 day challenge, to blog every day.

I am going to start this wonderful challenge with a GIVEAWAY! Don’t you be telling me that I don’t do awesome things for you.

The lovely folk at InstantPrint got in touch and offered me a 1000 of their gorgeous business cards, of ourse I jumped at the chance. With BPSFW just around the corner and a wonderful trip to NYC the week after where I will be meeting and interviewing some amazing people and brands, the offer couldn’t have come at a better time.

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I sent over my design, which was super duper simple to create online, then within a week the cards we with me! I have had a lot of business cards in my life, from my first job in recruitment to having my own company I have always felt a little let down, the quality has never been good enough and the design has been a struggle. So to say I was thrilled by the whole process is an understatement.


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I decided on the matte finish on the cards is really expensive looking something I am always a fan of! I even made my first Vine 6 second video of the cards…geeky but I love it! You can find me on Vine heyworlditsmeemma

So the Super Duper Exciting news is that I am giving away 4 sets of 1000 custom cards!

Such a fab prize to win, if you’re just starting up a business, have created a blog or just fancy updating your current cards. Usually business cards are a boring and expensive requirement so I am thrilled I can offer a little bit of help

I might not be offering the most incredibly glamorous prize, but its one that really can add so much value to your venture!

So here is the deal!

1 – Let me know in the comment box for this blog post, let me know why you would love to win one of the sets of business cards

2 – Tweet me @emglobetrotter and include @instantprint in the tweet for an additional entry.

3 – You can also follow Heyworlditsmeemma for an extra entry.

Make sure you put your twitter handle in the comments box along with your reason for wanting to win so I know to add the extra entry for you!

I will reveal the winner at 6pm on Saturday 9th February!!

The competition opens at 12noon on Saturday 2nd February and is open until 12noon Saturday 9th February. This is open for UK residents only.

Good Luck!

E x

30 ish before I’m 30 ish!

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Sure you have all seen loads of these lists before, well here is mine!

However I am missing 8 things, and would love suggestions for things you all think I should do!? Can be as daft as you like but you have to have done it yourself so recommending me to do it!

Cannot wait to see what you all think!

I will of course be documenting some of these things on here, so the better you make the suggestion the better the blog post!

So the current 22 are here – some I have already completed as I wrote this when I was 21! Not bad for 6 years!

- move into my own house
- earn 30k
- fall in love
- learn to play guitar
- take photography course
- run half marathon
- be on tv
- speak in front of 500+ people
- be in a stage production
- learn Italian
- spend a whole 48 hours technology free
- pay off my credit card
- sky dive – done
– own my own business – done
– work in America – done
– travel to Canada – done
- see every movie on 100 films to see before you die
- get a dog – done
- kiss a girl
- trend on twitter
- interview someone incredible for my blog
- get back into my size 12 jeans

So need 8 more…….

It’s over to you all lovelies – you can comment on here, tweet me @emglobetrotter

Excited to see what you all think I should do!

E x

What did you want to be when you grew up?

I have had a funny old weekend, starting with some really rather horrid tests to try to work out whats up with my heart – my doctor found it very amusing when I told him maybe I was the tin woman and I just did’t have one!

I’ve found whenever I am ill it makes me think back to being a child and how things seemed so much easier when I was poorly and 7 than poorly and almost 27.

Got me to thinking about the others things that change. Whilst feeling sorry for myself on Saturday I watched Eat Pray Love, a movie I have seen more times than I care to mention. Yes, yes I know its not as good as the book and there are parts that are just too outlandish to really believe, there are also parts that really resonate with me, that make me analyse the life that I live.

When Liz ( Julia Roberts) is in Italy she talks with her friends about what ‘word’ she is – if you had just one word to describe yourself what would it be? Would it be the same as the word you would have used as a child to describe what you wanted to be when you were grown? When did it change, more importantly why?

When we are little we learn all about “explaining words” ways to describe things, people, places. We are wildly imaginative as children, using words far above and beyond what we could ever have experienced. But with that lack of experience came a sense of wonder and hope that one day we would travel through space and time to a land where the clouds were made of candy floss and sand on the beaches made of sherbet. We were asked as children ” What do you want to be when you grow up” how many of you wanted to be a Fireman, a Nurse, an Astronaut…a footballer or a CEO? What are you now?

So what happens when we are grown ups, is that it? No more dreaming wildly of ‘when we grow up’ because here we are, we are grown up, are we where we wanted to be 20 years ago?

Me aged 7

I am intrigued by how many people have dreams as adults, they have aspirations to do something life changing, sadly I have found that mostly when they admit these dreams out loud people are less than supportive. Think back to when you were a kid and you told your mum that you wanted to be a Princess or the Prime Minister, how did she react, did she laugh in your face and tell you not to be so ridiculous, did she list the numerous down sides and reasons that it simply would not work out, doubtful. Instead she listened with care, consideration and support your dreams. Now if like me, you are a lucky bean and have a mum who supports you regardless of your wild grown up dreams, I am thrilled for you. However if you don’t then here I am offering my support and care for whatever you want to do.

This all came to a head for me the other week when I was chatting to one of my closest friends. She had decided to do a night climb up Ben Nevis for charity, what an awesome thing to do I thought, however her hopes were dashed when her mum told her she didn’t think it was a good idea, in turn that made my friend feel like her mum didn’t support her dream and therefore didn’t support her.

Sadly although my mum is a never ending beacon of hope and support for me, the same cannot be said of the rest of my family, when I told them I was starting my own cake company the majority of comments were along the lines of “but you have no training”, “there’s a recession you know” & “you’ve never run your own business”.

Not once did any of them say, “that’s amazing, good luck”. As a kid I have a lemonade stand with a friend when I was on holiday in San Francisco  everyone cooed about how industrious we were, fast forward 20 years and I am being irresponsible and it wont work.

I have many people in my life, from a little girl who just turned 3 to my grandmother who is 85. I plan on being as supportive of them every day of their lives as possible, no matter age, time of life, ideas or dreams. So Gracie if you want to be a Princess in 20 years then I will be there with a big ass hat sitting proudly in the Church, Amy if you want to make your books into movies then I will be more than happy to audition the leading man :-) and Gran if you want to run a marathon I will buy trainers and run with you.

If I had listened to the negative comments, I would never have owned my own cake shop, I would never have made cakes for everyone from Radio 1 to First Direct, I wouldn’t have been a part of so many amazing weddings, I would never have sold up and had the money to travel America & Canada, I would never have started writing a blog whilst travelling, I would never have had the nerve to go for my dream job and I doubt I would have got it. So if you think that I dream too big then go right on ahead but know this, I might be 20 years older and wiser than I was when I had my first dream of being a CEO but I still have the dreams, I still aspire to greatness and that wont ever change.

So today do me, and yourself a little favour and be supportive of someone, even if they are not doing things exactly how you think they should, give them praise for dreaming big, for wanting more than the mundane.

Think to yourself, how would you have described yourself 20 years ago, and how do you describe yourself now?

E x

Is it better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody?

My name is Emma-Louise Trotter and I think I am a fraud.

If I was to be completely honest, as I always try to be with you, I think it in almost every area of my life, even as I write this blog I am plagued with feelings of inadequacy. What if people find out that I am actually just pretending to be a good writer and that I make no sense at all. I have written, deleted, rehashed and rewritten this first paragraph, as I do with every post I write, I delete, reword and shuffle. This I am told, by a friend of mine who is an author, is completely normal and simply makes for a good writer, but I have to admit that although her words usually soothe my insanity, this time though not so much. Instead I sit here once more, filled with almost dread that infact someone is going to appear and inform me that in fact I am crap, I cannot write and I would be wise to do the whole blog reading world a service and find a cave somewhere to hide in until the public have finished laughing at my feeble attempt at writing. So I over compensate, I am wild when it comes to self promotion, the first to tweet and post on my facebook about my new post, I believe that the saying goes ‘fake it til you make it’ but now I am concerned that I will end up being a fake somebody and a real nobody.

Most people who know me, I imagine, would describe me as an outgoing confident person, someone who throws herself into life with rather a wonderful aplomb. However, in all honesty almost everything concerns me, I worry about most things that the usual folks concern themselves with and then on top of that I worry about the most peculiar of things.

Il give you a little example, if my phone rings and its a number I don’t know then my immediate reaction is not ‘oohhh i wonder who that is’ its more along the lines of ‘shit whose that? Whats happened? Oh God!’ Bare in mind that when I had my own business my phone rang numerous times every day, and as such I spent large chunks of time feeling really rather unwell with worry….

…and now with this wonderful new job comes equally interesting new worries, every time I get an email from the head of my team, I am convinced that the company has realised that I am in fact useless and not worth having in the team. Truly ridiculous , considering that both of my bosses have, in the last week, told me what a good job I am doing, and yet my inner dialogue is in no way silenced. It simply moves on to another theme, another aspect of my life.

The time that upsets me most is when my mind is allowed to wander to my friendships. I have a real variety of friends, from a physiotherapist, to author, to PA, to an accountant. I have, of course, a slightly different relationship with each of them, they bring something into my life and I can only hope that I do the same for them. But as with my job and my writing abilities I am constantly at odds with myself. What if they really don’t like me, what if actually they chat about it when I am not there, what if they would rather not be friends with me. I am incredibly loyal and go out of my way to support my friends, however they live their lives and I think a lot of my self-doubt comes when friends question that support and care, when they question my loyalty or my actions. Sadly it happens more than I care for.

However, I have worked out a way to deal with that, and its to spend time with people who make me feel valued, people who make me laugh until I almost choke to death on my dinner, people who are there, regardless, with honest and heartfelt care. They have no agenda, they could be else where, but chose to be with me.

This weekend I did just that and it was wonderful, it made me feel wonderful, it eased my chatterbox. I had some of my favourite people round for dinner, including the physio and the author, we howled with laughter, not a moment passed with awkward silence or in fact with anything other than really good fun. Then the following day a few of us sat and people watched in Starbucks and I then giggled the night away with them and went to bed with no voice telling me that I should worry. It was lovely, it was reassuring, mostly because they are straight forward good people, they make me feel important and that does silence the inner critic.

What i have learnt from all of this ,is that there are people in this world who bring something to the table, they offer more than you expect and all they want in return is someone who they can call a friend, the same goes for work, I will continue to go in and give my all, work hard and be the best I can be, for myself as well as for them. As for my writing, well I think honestly that if I wasn’t a little concerned of being thought of as a fraud, I wouldn’t try half as hard to be honest and truthful and write about real, honest, truthful life.

So maybe I wont ever be a perfect somebody, but i’m well on the way to really liking the real somebody that I am.

E x

Who am I?

A sightly pensive blog this week -

Since starting this blog, I have sold my business, travelled around America and Canada for 8 weeks, got a ace new job, working with cool creative people, like Martin & Elly & Chloe. Its been rather hectic and in all honesty I haven’t really stopped to think about how things have really changed for me.

It got me to thinking last night, with mum away with the girls in Ibiza, and me just chilling at home with the puppies. I realised that I really don’t lose my temper often anymore, I don’t get excessively involved in things that I don’t need to, and mostly I don’t fight fiercely for things that don’t need or deserve fighting for. In my mind I am at peace, I have dealt with my dads passing so much better, I am still traumatised I’m sure, but although I think about him most hours of most days, the thoughts are no long of his frail body in his final days, but of the fun we had, the places we saw together and the things he taught me. So if nothing came from my time away, I have peace about my dad. And I must tell you, it might not be a movie worthy story line, but coming to a peaceful place in grief is a huge weight off my shoulders.

So that’s the brain sorted…..the body however….

Today I went for a coffee with best mate who has started a new diet and made me think that I really should get a grip of my self and my body and get back to being a person I like seeing in the mirror.

I like doing the FatMumSlim Photo a day challenge and the word of today was ‘strange’ and that is what I see when I see photos of myself these days. I always used to be very confident of my looks, slim, big boobs, tiny waist, huge grin and long dark hair. I don’t wish to sound big headed but looking back now I realise I was a bit of a hotty, isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing.
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I remember a boyfriend of mine offering to sell all his worldly goods so that he could buy me an incredible diamond ring, another flew back from a boys holiday and stood in the rain on my door step professing his undying love for me. These days, no word of a lie, I am lucky to get a second glance walking down the street. This I fear is due to 2 main things, that go hand in hand.

The first is that I have put on 5 stone since then, I was around 10 stone and a size 12, these days I am closer to a 20. Entirely of my own doing, I have no good excuse, I eat too much shit and I don’t move my fat ass often enough. Secondly though and a direct result of being over weight is that I don’t really like being looked at, I don’t really like how I look and I don’t really know when I started not looking like me. But it has happened and it sucks, and honestly, really hurts me deep down.

I know people say that whats in the past is best left there, and usually I agree, however on this point I don’t, I plan on getting my old body back. I plan on wearing skin tight dresses once more, I plan on buying a Chanel quilted bag when I get back to 10 stone. I have printed a picture off of the one that I want and it is stuck next to my mirror with my favourite all time photo of me. As inspiration. I have also started writing affirmations on my bathroom mirror where I do my make up in the morning.

Tomorrow mornings is “you are better than you give yourself credit for”
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So this afternoon I have dyed my hair back to being dark, who was I kidding trying to be a blonde, I am brunette and proud, it seems others think the same since I put the pic on Instagram and Twitter I have had a few really lovely comments, which in turn gives me a huge boost in confidence.
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I have also been shopping and bought gorgeous colourful veg and fruit and plan on eating well, no diet, just really healthy, no crap, no fizzy drinks, no cake, no white carbs. I imagine I may be a little irritable at first, but my plan is to have lost a stone by my birthday Party on 27th October, fancy dress party non the less.

I have also committed myself to 30 mins minimum a day on the bike in the house – together with walking around 3 miles a day with the dogs, I am hoping that it something I can really get into!

I have realised that I needed to bit bottom before I got my act together and did something about not only the way that I look but my attitude towards my body and learning to treat it with a little more respect.

So here’s hoping that in a months time, so only 4 blog posts time I will be well on my way to a stones loss!

I want to thank people ahead of time who I know will be instrumental in me achieving goals, they know who they are. So thank you. And thanks to my inspiration this morning over coffee :-)

 

Disappointment

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It is a charming skill we are taught as children, to not be bitter or hot headed when faced with disappointment, but to be respectful and accept it as part of growing up. But, I ask you, how are we meant to deal with it once we are grown. Should we all learn the ability to “manage our expectations”? To be a good sport? What does that even mean?

I am quite honestly bored of having to gracefully accept disappointment and let down. I am mostly bored of accepting the way people behave. It happens more and more the older I get, I am let down either by the actions of others or by events as they unfold.

From the simple trip to the cinema, spending a small fortune for the luxury of an uncomfortable seat and over priced refreshments, but after you have been rised of money, you take your seat, you become engrossed in the admosphere, the trailers and the anticipation of the feature you are about to watch. Then, sadly in most cases, I leave feeling disappointed. Take the Bourne Legacy, the amazing adverts, the knowledge that I adored the previous ones, well I tell you if I wanted a sappy romantic movie I would watch Love Actually. I would love someone to explain something to me???

Why is it when you go to see a romantic comedy with the likes of Jennifer Aniston or J-Lo, you are not bombarded with hand to hand combat or an 18 car chase? But heaven forbid you go to watch a movie that is advertised as the “Ultimate Bourne” and it is actually just that, a high octane, fast paced, heart racing action thriller. Because I tell you something I left the cinema today realising it was 2 hours of my life I was never going to get back!

But enough of the film reviews, and apologies if in just burst your bubble before you go to see it, I genuinely hope that its just my cynical way.

The real reason for this post was a follow on and update on my foray into the world of gainful employment. Well I have to tell you it started extremely well, I felt on top of the world as I left the PR speciality agency full of confidence in my transferable skills. It turned out that I really did need someone to tell me that I was good enough and someone would most definitely employ me. As I sat on the train home I was filled with a wonderful sense of belonging again, something I didn’t even realise I was missing.

And so my CV went off to a creative agency I already knew of and loved the sound of and I sat smugly thinking it was in the bag, HA! Well how I felt the fool when Friday passed with not so much as a squeak, not a word, not even a rejection, and thus began the weekend of Limbo – wondering, waiting and hoping that I would get the call to say YES they would LOVE to meet with you. Instead just as 11am passed I got the call, “you didn’t get it” gutted is a great word to describe how I felt, deflated there is another one, but of all things I felt I mostly felt disappointed. Now, I really have fantastic friends and family and as is my way I obviously posted on Facebook & twitter that I was disappointed and they were all fab as always, tweets and comments of support and condolences. But the thing that I really struggle with is the immediate need to pacify disappointment, I had messages like this “You were too good for them” “They don’t know what they are missing” “There is something way better out there for you” and I tell you something that makes for wonderful friends and family. But here is my thought on the matter. Maybe actually I wasn’t good enough for the job, right for the job, maybe they have someone far more suitable. I actually think that rather than temper my disappointment I am going to use it to adapt my CV and look into ways of making my self the perfect candidate. Its a stance I plan on adopting in all aspects of my life….dating included.

As my single years have passed, I continue to be disappointed in men I date not seeing past the fact that I am over weight, I am disouraged and in the long term angry that they are so superficial that they dont take the time to get to know me. I imagine a lot of you reading this feel that I am being hard on myself but im not. Why wouldnt a guy be put off by someone that doesnt fit the type they go for, if I was as dumb as dirt then i would expect them to have an issue with that too. Luckily i’m pretty smart & have great sense of humor so the issue holding me back is something I can change so as such I am going to deal with the weight thing, because as much as I might say “Im comfortable in my skin”, its a lie i’m not I want my size 12 body back. And before anyone says that i’m doing it for the wrong reasons, surely no matter the initial reason being healthy and well is always a better way to live that over weight and unhealthy.

So on the 15th September I will begin a 21 day regime with a friend who is also a fantastic personal trainer Chris Lupton from Innovate Fitness, you can read about it on his site, http://www.innovatefitness.co.uk. I will of course be blogging about it and tweeting so if you want to know all about it stay tuned!

Whilst researching “disappointment” I found this quote and think it suitably sums up how I plan to deal with it going forward, I will leave this post with the quote and il be back soon!

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream and how you handle the disappointment along the way”

E x

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Ding Ding Ding round 2!

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So here I am on the eve of my first job interview in over 3 years. I have bought a new outfit, slightly different from my most recent uniform of skinny jeans, vest tops & Ugg boots. Instead its beautifully tailored trousers, a silk shirt with cream suede heels and finished off with classic rose gold jewellery. I have agonised over straight or curly hair – going in the end for volumous straight, I have debated the suitability of certain heel heights, 3 inches was decided upon, nail colour…. Chanel Red.

Its a strange old feeling, I have been the one on the business side of the desk, asking the questions and theoretically deciding someones fate for 3 years, I have hired & managed 6 members of staff throughout that time, asked them probing questions about skills, life plans and experience. I have debated over how “right” they are. But tomorrow at 12 noon I will be sitting in the office of a hugely successful woman, who runs a hugely sucessful business, hoping that she sees in me something she feels she can work with. I hope that she sees my drive and ambiotion, my determiation and tenacity and most of all I hope that I keep my inner “boss” inside!

It has been a strange old few years.

I went from living with my “wonderful” boyfriend, working with friends and with a great social life filled with parties and holidays, to being broken hearted back on my mum and dads door step with a suitcase and a sense of complete loss. I wont lie to you all it took me 6 months to even begin to deal with the end of the relationship, to say he pulled the rug from under me is an understatement of quite epic proportions, he cheated, lied and drank excessively. I was the one who eneded it, I left our home together, left all the furniture, and decided that I would rather be devastasted on my own than with a man who would treat me with such disrespect and regard.

So back I went to my childhood room, and i began to plot, to plan to take back my life. And my life became a life wrapped in bun cases and topped with whipped butter cream.

I started making cakes to raise money for a sky dive I was doing for Orchid Cancer Care, something I decided whilst inhebriated with my dad just after his prostate cancer diagnosis. It turned from around 36 cupcakes a week, into a home run business, when my dad passed in May 2010 it pushed me harder towards success and with his gentle geordie accent in my ears urging me to be more than people expected of me, I took over a corporate kitchen, then leased a beautiful period shop in Harrogate, I lauched a bakery blog and ended my days in the business making around 2000 cakes a week. During those 3 years I had the greatest moments, met incredible people, created cake masterpieces for wonderful couples & companies alike, opened my own shop and started writing a cook book. But as those of you who are self employed or in fact anyone with a beating heart know, where there are ups, indeed there are downs. I cried when a member of staff left me completely in the lurch and ruined my holiday, I screamed when clients pulled out last minute, I cursed when I had to spend hours chasing invoices. But without all of that, without the moments of sheer delight or the horrific moments when I would wake at 2am thinking I had forgotton something, I wouldnt have all that I now have. I wouldnt have sold the business, and spent some of the money expoloring America & Canada, meeting achingly cool new people and family members I have never met. I learnt to miss people and mostly love myself.

But as with the business, where there are the ups of Edge Walking the CN Tower, watching imaculate sunsets and laughing until I cant breath. There was the down time, the moment I landed in Manchester Airport on Tuesday 31st July 2012, I felt my tan and optomism begin to fade. I panicked, how would I keep up the momentum, remain so positive with life, when once I was home nothing defined me. No business, No staff, No reason to need to be up in the morning. For someone like me, always with a plan and always charging through life, being useless is a very daunting feeling.

And that brings us to now, laid on my bed at 12.29am on Monday 6th August 2012, nails painted and hair washed in my I Heart NYC pjs. I am glad to report that although I am nervous, I am filled with all the hope I had the first day my shop opened, I am supremely grateful that my father bestowed his abillity to have infinite self belief onto me.

I am faithful that tomorrow will bring about the dawn of the next chapter in this exciting life of mine. I always said that I never wanted to get the end of my life and wished that I had done more, seen more or most of all been more. I made a promise to myself sat watching the sun set over Lynden Ontario that I would be true to myself and never deny myself one moment of supercalifragilisticexpealidocious-ness and that is a promise I indend to keep.

Here is my new motto…

“Eventually all of the pieces will fall into place
Until then laugh at the confussion,
live for the moment
and know that everything happens for a reason”

Speak soon

E x