Well to say that this week has been an emotionally charged g-force week would be a fair understatement. Since coming back to the UK I have felt a little disjointed as one would imagine, well this week the joints were slowly re-jointed and peace was finally restored to the Trotter Kingdom.
Love, that is what has touched most of the events of this week, in some guile, not always the movie kind, some time simply the tiny ray of hope that comes with potential love.
It started with a date, my first proper one in well over a year, there were a lot of nerves, slight unwell feeling and a distinct amount of sweating, but I made it to the date in one piece. The picture above is me on my way out on said date. I have to admit although JP was not in any form my “type” I decided a date was a date and I had to proverbially “get back on the horse” it turned out to be a really lovely few hours, we chatted about work and family, the usual topics, finished our drinks, hugged and went our own merry way.
But something strange happened whilst walking home, I had a really vivid memory of my first date with my first love, sitting nervously hoping he would make the first move, almost melting into a puddle when he kissed me for the first time and the literal joy when he rang me the next day to ask me out again. There was something so incredible about that feeling, that overwhelming strength of attraction to another person. I remember even to this day the moment leading up to him coming to pick me up, the hours spent talking to my girlfriends about him, the numerous hours spent boring my mum to tears about him. But to me he was perfect, first real love perfect. To me he was the best looking human that had walked the planet and I thanked my lucky stars. But of all of this, all of my feelings, the greatest feeling in the world was when he looked at me, and smiled and I knew that he felt the same. Every now and again he would stop mid sentence to kiss me, just because he couldn’t finish the sentence without kissing me. I remember walking down the stairs at a family wedding and him actually gasping because in that moment, to him, I was the best thing in the world.
Well folks I tell you something, I want that kind of love, the kind that is inconvenient, knock you off your feet, completely all consuming love. So I have decided I will not settle for mediocre love, not settling for anything other than fairytale. Now I appreciate those of you who know me may need a wee moment to lift your jaws off the ground. I know this must come as a shock to you all, the romance-less, hater of happy endings wants one for herself. Well yes, she does and she would like the whole package. The nerves, the butterflies, the hours spent just being with that person because there is no where better to be.
And that ladies and gentlemen is why, although JP was a great guy, funny and charming, he isn’t butterflies, and I am looking for butterflies.
So once Tuesday was over there was the whole rest of the week to battle, Wednesday was spent job hunting and generally being proactive, rather than waiting for “agencies” to help me find a job I set to and contacted companies I want to work for directly, with a witty yet professional email, not expecting a whole lot of response. What a shock I got when an email landed in my inbox from a company MD who had received my email, the email said and I quote
“I have been having the most appalling day and receiving your fiery, forthright almost borderline intrusive email just made me laugh out loud, much to the amusement of my office. I must applaud your tenacity, to email me directly and inform me of why I should hire you has been a breath of fresh air from the hoards of generic covering emails. I can tell you whole heartedly that I am saddened that we are not hiring at the moment, as I know once we are you will have been rightly snapped up. So thank you, Emma for making a very grumpy man laugh like he hasn’t in a while”
Now, no one likes a rejection letter, but if you have to get one thats the kind that you want. It has spurred me on to continue to search for the perfect role, and as in my love life I do not intend to settle for anything less than epic.
Thursday rolled round and was of course “A-Level results day” a smorgasbord of a day filled with the varying degrees of joy and despair. But my day would not be spent waiting for results, thank goodness. No my day would be filled with writing, writing my book.
Finally I feel like I have broken the back of it as I approach the 30,000 word mark. If you are interested, which I sincerely hope you are, its a dark comedy loosely based on my train crash of a dating life, its a little like this blog, overtly honest, sometimes I slightly over share and obviously filled with the obligatory sarcasm. But it all harks back to the “love” not matter what form the guys I have dated have been, the ways that we met, the ways we parted, there were parts of each of them I loved. Be it the first love, the “way out of my league” adoration, the first grown up love, or the most recent devastating painful love. Every single relationship as got me to where I am now, so I wanted to celebrate them, these men that in their own ways have helped me to grow up, and become the woman that I am. I wonder, maybe if anything comes of the book, I will send them each a copy.
Finally we come to the weekend, and a surprise party thrown for one of my closest friends, who has just signed a publishing deal, and is still very much in the slightly shell shocked phase.
So myself, Simon & Sarah put together a little surprise gathering of Amys’ family and close friends. We drank roughly 12 bottles of wine & champagne, 10 bottles of beer and ate an obscene amount of cake. I have to admit that it was an afternoon that really made me realise how very lucky I am. To be surrounded by people who are kind, creative and wickedly funny too boot, is just about all a girl could ask for. It got me to thinking a lot last night, as I lay in bed thinking about this life that I have lived so far, I don’t think even if I was given the chance to start from scratch and do it all again, I would change a thing. The trick now is to turn everything that has got me to my ripe age of 26 years, 10 months 22 days, into lessons to get me through the next 26 years, 10 months and 22 days in as exciting a way a possible.
So the moral of this weeks slightly disjointed blog is that rather than looking over my shoulder at past love and past feeling, I have to keep putting one foot hopefully in front of the other and enjoy the trip rather than eternally searching for the ultimate destination.
That’s all for now, same time, next time
Simons blog – http://pleasedontslowmedown.wordpress.com
Sarahs blog – http://alovingheartisthetruestwisedom.wordpress.com