No More

When I was a little girl I was told, as I know a lot of girls are, that I was pretty, had beautiful unique eyes, had hair grown women dreamed about, and that I could do anything I wanted with my life. I accepted it because I was told it by the people who loved me.
181423_10150978906164561_1083774076_n
Dad & I 

So what happened between then and now. I have the same eyes and the same thick hair, and I am doing everything that I want in life. and yet I struggle.

I struggle with the fact that despite being told throughout my childhood the things I mentioned above, and many more, the only one that I held on to and has shaped me is the one about my ability to do anything I want with my life. I am doing exactly as I wish with my life. Everything I have done in my life has come from me, and yet when I look in the mirror it isn’t my accomplishments I see, it’s the things I think I have failed at.

How come I managed to turn all that positive reinforcement and support about my abilities and capabilities to achieve anything into a real life existence, yet as I sit and write this I am plagued with feelings of inadequacies about my looks that I have led me down a path to being overweight and horribly unfit.

I think that a lot of it stems from the fact that as girls we are taught by the people outside our home life that it’s the things we achieve in school that define us as we age. We are taught in school so that we can continue upwardly through life, to achieve success. In all that though I think certain messages are lost. I don’t think that girls are recognised for their naturally abilities, only those that are taught by others.

Yet as soon as we are grown those wonderful lessons we were taught, the incredible volumes of knowledge we have had imparted onto us over the years fall by the wayside and we are left with an overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction that no amount of pay rises, promotions and big offices can over quell.

I judge myself based on the viewpoint of others. I only believe I am a good friend, if those around me tell me so. I only believe I am attractive if the people I find attractive find me so. I am only ‘right’ when someone tells me I am.

I don’t know if any of you reading feel this way, if you don’t then apologies, but I have decided in the last 40 minutes, although its been coming for some time, that as long as I am happy with the person I am, what I see in the mirror and my actions towards others then the opinions of others become null and void.

At the beginning of 2013 as the clock stuck midnight I made a promise to myself;

no more

No more trying to be someone else, no more trying to be the best at things that don’t matter and instead focus on the things that do, no more spending time angry that certain people in my life don’t behave the way I think they should, no more despising the reflection I see in the mirror. No More.

Instead here are my 2013 vows (not resolutions)

- I will not stop watching airbrushed american television shows that make me feel bad about how I look. Instead I vow to read more of the authors who inspire me, follow the lives of women who work for the bodies they deserve and find time to work on myself.
- I will not dye my hair over and over again longing for it to be something it never will be. Instead I vow to be kind to it and treat it well and most of all not try to have the looks of someone else, but create looks of my own.
- I will not pay to have plastic stuck to me nails because I think that the best way to have long nails. Instead I vow to grow my nails with patience and treat them well.
- I will not use fake tan or sun beds. Instead I will embrace my beautiful pale skin which I have recently realised actually suits my green eyes and dark hair.
- I will not read more into the tweets, Facebook statuses or other social networking site posts of my friends. Instead I vow to spend time with them; honest time so that when they post arsey snarky posts (which they still will) I will know that its nothing to do with me.
- I will not eat junk food. Instead I will allow myself a treat whenever I wish as long as it’s a small amount and I can justify eating it.
- I will not continue to allow my body to deteriorate. Instead I will exercise for 30 minutes every single day. Be it a brisk dog walk, a dance class, a swim or whatever else I wish.
- I will not see the success of others as a failure in me. Instead I will celebrate success with them and strive harder to focus on my aims and goals and not take my eye off them.

love what you do

Finally I will not deny myself any experience, opportunity or emotion. Instead I will go through life open-minded, honestly and with every intention of becoming the greatest version of myself possible.

Would love to know what you feel about this?

E x

PS don’t forget you can still enter my Instant Print business card giveaway 

My Match Weekiversary!

My match.com ‘weekiversary’ has passed and I must say after Mr Shadow Penis things are beginning to look up!

week

I must firstly inform you though of the delightful creature who appeared in my inbox late last week. Beautiful doesn’t begin to describe him, handsome movie star good looks and witty banter, I thought hello! I’m on to a winner here.

Fast forward around 3 hours and I’ve learnt that although he is a barrister day-to-day, in the evenings he is a ‘butler in the buff’ what joy I thought! However things took a kooky turn when he informed me that he doesn’t wear an apron when he does it, and usually it’s just one on one with a woman. Now I am not a prude by any means, but surely to you dear readers that seems a little…odd?

With further probing I discover that actually if he had it his way he would be naked all the time and finds that it’s the best way to get to know someone! But “rest assured” he said, you don’t need to be naked on our first date. Phew!

So the date is booked with Mr Naked Lawyer and I guess I’l just have to see what happens. Oh did I also mention he sent me a run down of what I can expect from our first five dates…I’l share a little with you!

“Date 1 – I will be naked, you may not be. I will allow kissing without tongues and light fondling

Date 2 – I will be naked you are more than welcome to be in underwear but not naked. You may pleasure yourself as may I but you may not touch me. I can ejaculate on your body”

Now I’m all up for fondling and all the rest, just not sure I need it scheduled in like a dentists check up?! As a very good friend said… it’s all a little Christian Grey.

Mr Naked seemed to spark some flash of change on the site, suddenly I decided that I should just be bold and email guys I liked the look of, my male friends are always saying women should be more forward. I’m pleased to tell you they’re right!

So as it stands I have a date with a reconstructive surgeon from here on known as Dr Slick, a guitar teacher from Leeds now known as Mr Stratocaster and am chatting with a guy who we’ll call Mr Potential.

Don’t worry il be keeping you up to date on the courting as and when they happen.

Until then! Happy Thursday

E x

If I knew then what I know now….

So on Friday night I raced home from work and literally threw myself into the shower, forgetting to take my socks of, thus almost sliding to a shocking yet comedic death. The reason for my hysterical rushing I hear you ask, well I will tell you what, a party and not just any party but an 18th Birthday party for a rather wonderful girl who it saddens me to say I have known since she was about 5!

As I stepped into my floor length dress and amazing jewelry I was reminded of how excited I was before my 18th birthday party. The thrill of the new outfit, the call of the bar and all of my wonderful friends, because lets face it I was at my most popular during 2004.

Once home following one of the most unexpectedly fun nights I’d had in forever I sat on the sofa with a slightly wobbly head and got to thinking about all the things I know now compared to then and what I would have said to my 18-year-old self, if I knew then what I know now, if i had the chance this is what I would have said….

For the love of god Emma be kinder to people, in years to come you will need your friends more than you have any realisation of at the moment and if you continue the way you are then you will wake up one day and realise they are no longer a part of your life. Although you go on to have the most incredible friends,  who are hilarious, supportive and make your life inexplicably better, you will miss the friends you had as an 18-year-old.

Appreciate your body, stop moaning about your thighs, you have no idea how much you will put yourself through 8 years from now to try to get those thighs back. And all that long dark curly hair, leave it alone, stop dyeing it please or when you are 26 you will curse yourself the years of dying and straightening. You know those boobs of yours that get you all kinds of attention from boys, try to be a little more discreet about just how much you love the attention as it will get you a nasty reputation that 5 years later will really ruin a friendship. Oh and finally stop biting your nails, its grim, you look gross doing it and you will save a fortune on acrylic ones!

Boys, now this is a big one, cherish them, all of them. The dates, the sex, the heartache the butterflies, all of it. Love never feels the same as it does when you are in your teens, it never has that all consuming can’t breathe feeling. Oh and the heartbreak, god Emma the heart-break, I know you think its awful now. Those awful break ups, the hours spent crying about love, listening to Westlife and hating your life. Appreciate the heartache as a teenager because once kids, homes and money all get included in the mix it all gets so much harder to deal with.

Forgive yourself, that thing you did, that you think now looking back on may have ruined your life, it hasn’t I promise, it does alter your whole outlook on life and marriage and kids but you did the right thing, you made the right choice. You were way too young. And please forgive him too, he was young too, he didn’t know any better than to go out and get drunk with his friends and ignore your texts. He didn’t mean to break your heart.

Appreciate your parents, you have no idea what a small amount of time you have with your dad, those arguments about whose right or wrong don’t matter, pick your bloody shit up off the floor when he asks you too, its his house and his rules, be respectful of him, he’s earned it. Do ever belittle the love that he has for you, there will come a point when you will feel your heart-break into a million pieces as you realise that you can’t talk to him anymore, ask his advice or have a proper Geordie hug.

But most of all 18-year-old me, I beg of you do not regret anything that you chose to do, at the time it was exactly what you wanted to happen. You wanted those tattoos, you wanted to go home with the guy from the band, you wanted to dance on the piano in just a shirt and heels and all those nights you don’t remember all that well, definitely don’t regret them.

On the flip side there are some things that you at 18 could really teach 26-year-old you

1 – Believe that love will happen again, believe it with almost entire abandonment

2 – Have faith in yourself that you are as great as people say that you are

3 – Throw yourself into things without worrying what anyone else thinks about it

4 – Tell your friends how much you love them as often as possible.

So that’s it, that’s all.

18-year-old me really thought she knew it all……

If you could tell your 18-year-old self what would you tell yourself

E x

Well….what a week!

Well to say that this week has been an emotionally charged g-force week would be a fair understatement. Since coming back to the UK I have felt a little disjointed as one would imagine, well this week the joints were slowly re-jointed and peace was finally restored to the Trotter Kingdom.

Love, that is what has touched most of the events of this week, in some guile, not always the movie kind, some time simply the tiny ray of hope that comes with potential love.

20120820-092318.jpg

It started with a date, my first proper one in well over a year, there were a lot of nerves, slight unwell feeling and a distinct amount of sweating, but I made it to the date in one piece. The picture above is me on my way out on said date. I have to admit although JP was not in any form my “type” I decided a date was a date and I had to proverbially “get back on the horse” it turned out to be a really lovely few hours, we chatted about work and family, the usual topics, finished our drinks, hugged and went our own merry way.

But something strange happened whilst walking home, I had a really vivid memory of my first date with my first love, sitting nervously hoping he would make the first move, almost melting into a puddle when he kissed me for the first time and the literal joy when he rang me the next day to ask me out again. There was something so incredible about that feeling, that overwhelming strength of attraction to another person. I remember even to this day the moment leading up to him coming to pick me up, the hours spent talking to my girlfriends about him, the numerous hours spent boring my mum to tears about him. But to me he was perfect, first real love perfect. To me he was the best looking human that had walked the planet and I thanked my lucky stars. But of all of this, all of my feelings, the greatest feeling in the world was when he looked at me, and smiled and I knew that he felt the same. Every now and again he would stop mid sentence to kiss me, just because he couldn’t finish the sentence without kissing me. I remember walking down the stairs at a family wedding and him actually gasping because in that moment, to him, I was the best thing in the world.

20120820-092229.jpg

Well folks I tell you something, I want that kind of love, the kind that is inconvenient, knock you off your feet, completely all consuming love. So I have decided I will not settle for mediocre love, not settling for anything other than fairytale. Now I appreciate those of you who know me may need a wee moment to lift your jaws off the ground. I know this must come as a shock to you all, the romance-less, hater of happy endings wants one for herself. Well yes, she does and she would like the whole package. The nerves, the butterflies, the hours spent just being with that person because there is no where better to be.

And that ladies and gentlemen is why, although JP was a great guy, funny and charming, he isn’t butterflies, and I am looking for butterflies.

So once Tuesday was over there was the whole rest of the week to battle, Wednesday was spent job hunting and generally being proactive, rather than waiting for “agencies” to help me find a job I set to and contacted companies I want to work for directly, with a witty yet professional email, not expecting a whole lot of response. What a shock I got when an email landed in my inbox from a company MD who had received my email, the email said and I quote

“I have been having the most appalling day and receiving your fiery, forthright almost borderline intrusive email just made me laugh out loud, much to the amusement of my office. I must applaud your tenacity, to email me directly and inform me of why I should hire you has been a breath of fresh air from the hoards of generic covering emails. I can tell you whole heartedly that I am saddened that we are not hiring at the moment, as I know once we are you will have been rightly snapped up. So thank you, Emma for making a very grumpy man laugh like he hasn’t in a while”

Now, no one likes a rejection letter, but if you have to get one thats the kind that you want. It has spurred me on to continue to search for the perfect role, and as in my love life I do not intend to settle for anything less than epic.

Thursday rolled round and was of course “A-Level results day” a smorgasbord of a day filled with the varying degrees of joy and despair. But my day would not be spent waiting for results, thank goodness. No my day would be filled with writing, writing my book.

Finally I feel like I have broken the back of it as I approach the 30,000 word mark. If you are interested, which I sincerely hope you are, its a dark comedy loosely based on my train crash of a dating life, its a little like this blog, overtly honest, sometimes I slightly over share and obviously filled with the obligatory sarcasm. But it all harks back to the “love” not matter what form the guys I have dated have been, the ways that we met, the ways we parted, there were parts of each of them I loved. Be it the first love, the “way out of my league” adoration, the first grown up love, or the most recent devastating painful love. Every single relationship as got me to where I am now, so I wanted to celebrate them, these men that in their own ways have helped me to grow up, and become the woman that I am. I wonder, maybe if anything comes of the book, I will send them each a copy.

Finally we come to the weekend, and a surprise party thrown for one of my closest friends, who has just signed a publishing deal, and is still very much in the slightly shell shocked phase.

20120820-092238.jpg

So myself, Simon & Sarah put together a little surprise gathering of Amys’ family and close friends. We drank roughly 12 bottles of wine & champagne, 10 bottles of beer and ate an obscene amount of cake. I have to admit that it was an afternoon that really made me realise how very lucky I am. To be surrounded by people who are kind, creative and wickedly funny too boot, is just about all a girl could ask for. It got me to thinking a lot last night, as I lay in bed thinking about this life that I have lived so far, I don’t think even if I was given the chance to start from scratch and do it all again, I would change a thing. The trick now is to turn everything that has got me to my ripe age of 26 years, 10 months 22 days, into lessons to get me through the next 26 years, 10 months and 22 days in as exciting a way a possible.

So the moral of this weeks slightly disjointed blog is that rather than looking over my shoulder at past love and past feeling, I have to keep putting one foot hopefully in front of the other and enjoy the trip rather than eternally searching for the ultimate destination.

That’s all for now, same time, next time

E x

Simons blog – http://pleasedontslowmedown.wordpress.com

Sarahs blog – http://alovingheartisthetruestwisedom.wordpress.com