Yes that’s right, SEX!
Perfect morning sex, saturday afternoon sex on the sofa, falling in drunk from a night out sex and especially an unexpected quickie in the shower. I hear what you are thinking, what a lucky girl getting all that perfectly marvellous sex, well I have to tell you that couldn’t be further from the truth. But just because I am currently on a sex sabbatical does not mean that I cannot indulge in past times.
As I am sure all of you, especially those who read this blog or follow me on twitter, will know that I am extremely single. Sadly not your magazine or movie worthy single where you can cut to scenes of me dancing the night away with a handsome artist in an underground salsa club or galavanting all over a sun drenched city. Rather it sees me working, walking the dogs and out on the occasional night out ending with me alone in my own in bed usually watching an episode of Inspector Lewis. Hot or what!
Although I must admit there are of course upsides to being single that include, getting control over the remote, being able to sleep in the middle of the bed and of course no compromising over the weekend plans.
There are downsides too, and recently these have become more apparent due to my now excessive single-ness! Those downsides include, no one to snuggle up to when watching a movie, having to trap spiders myself, and no one to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve, but I must admit something to you all and that is this, sex is the thing I miss the most.
I know, I know I’m a modern woman and I could go out and have sex with some hot random guy I meet on a night out, which believe me in the past I have done, and in fact massively enjoyed, so much so they make up around 40% of my ‘List’. Sadly though I think I have been out of the sex game for too long now.
Unfortunately despite all of my best interests my mini flings tend to be more like Lena Dunham in girls
than Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct!
And I have to tell you the worst of it is the moment you wake slightly furry of mouth and head, blurry eyes trying desperately to confirm your location and the body next to you. Never is it like the movies, never does it lead to breakfast in a quaint coffee shop, mostly it leads to a horrific 20 minutes of trying to remove my arm from under him, then making enough noise to wake him and work out how the hell I get the man who currently looks much more like Wayne Rooney than David Beckham out of my house. Don’t get me wrong I did that, numerous times for numerous years, although mostly with achingly gorgeous chaps. But the novelty has worn off and I think if I am completely honest I wouldn’t even know where to begin with the whole one night stand game. So I have bowed out into early retirement.
But this leaves me between a rock and hard place (or lack there of) no boyfriend to do the no pants dance with and no chance of me going out and clubbing me a man to drag back to my cave.
Suddenly I realised that if nothing else a relationship would at least offer me the joy of guaranteed sex, so gleefully I signed up to eHarmony. A word of warning, don’t do it ladies! Unless of course what you are after is a drip who lives at home and lists his interests as “reading books and eating cereal” that was his entire “likes and interests” section! Or maybe you would like a science teacher who asked me how I felt about being “an experiment” hmmmmm il pass thanks.
People keep telling me that if I stop looking “he” will find me, however I’m not sure he could find me, since I spent most of my life at work, walking the hounds dressed as a bag lady, or at home in bed watching Breaking Bad or Homeland. But there maybe is the issue, maybe I need to as Charlotte says in SATC “put myself out there” but please tell me you lucky folks having all this sex. Where is “out there”? Seriously I’d love to know! Because there are people in my life who appear to be having more sex than I am having hot meals with a plethora of chaps, I feel a little like the last kid to get picked for the team in PE!
So tonight lovelies do me a favour, no matter how tired, grumpy etc you are, have sex, grateful sex, because you don’t know how lucky you are!
Single & Shagless