My Match Weekiversary!

My match.com ‘weekiversary’ has passed and I must say after Mr Shadow Penis things are beginning to look up!

week

I must firstly inform you though of the delightful creature who appeared in my inbox late last week. Beautiful doesn’t begin to describe him, handsome movie star good looks and witty banter, I thought hello! I’m on to a winner here.

Fast forward around 3 hours and I’ve learnt that although he is a barrister day-to-day, in the evenings he is a ‘butler in the buff’ what joy I thought! However things took a kooky turn when he informed me that he doesn’t wear an apron when he does it, and usually it’s just one on one with a woman. Now I am not a prude by any means, but surely to you dear readers that seems a little…odd?

With further probing I discover that actually if he had it his way he would be naked all the time and finds that it’s the best way to get to know someone! But “rest assured” he said, you don’t need to be naked on our first date. Phew!

So the date is booked with Mr Naked Lawyer and I guess I’l just have to see what happens. Oh did I also mention he sent me a run down of what I can expect from our first five dates…I’l share a little with you!

“Date 1 – I will be naked, you may not be. I will allow kissing without tongues and light fondling

Date 2 – I will be naked you are more than welcome to be in underwear but not naked. You may pleasure yourself as may I but you may not touch me. I can ejaculate on your body”

Now I’m all up for fondling and all the rest, just not sure I need it scheduled in like a dentists check up?! As a very good friend said… it’s all a little Christian Grey.

Mr Naked seemed to spark some flash of change on the site, suddenly I decided that I should just be bold and email guys I liked the look of, my male friends are always saying women should be more forward. I’m pleased to tell you they’re right!

So as it stands I have a date with a reconstructive surgeon from here on known as Dr Slick, a guitar teacher from Leeds now known as Mr Stratocaster and am chatting with a guy who we’ll call Mr Potential.

Don’t worry il be keeping you up to date on the courting as and when they happen.

Until then! Happy Thursday

E x

4 days down….27 to go!

4 down

So if you read my initial post about match.com earlier this week you will know that I am on a months trial of the site to see if it can boost my 3.5 year stalemate.

I come with tidings of hilarity and horror! Prepare yourself!

It was all going so well, over 100 views of my profile, 37 winks and 14 chaps chatting to me, I was thrilled. I totally understood the benefit of online dating, in the whole 3.5 years of being single I didn’t get a percentage of the attention I have had on the site.

However, as is always the way, things never do run smoothly in my life. So let me begin with some of the delights on the site, how about the 2 guys on there from Harrogate, who I know have girlfriends who have been ‘active’ on the site in the last few days…hmmm interesting! Then there are the guys who appear to have taken their profile pictures in the dirtiest mirror in the world, or decided that the picture where they are one of 30 people is a suitable one to attract attention. But I think the highlight in terms of profile picture goes to this chap – whose face I have blurred out for legal reasons! But if you are brave have a little look down at the bottom right hand corner……

scary

Not sure there is much I can say about that! And for the record that’s his profile image, not something he sent me!

But in all of this I think that the most disturbing has to be the guy who asked me out, we made great plans to go to comedy club, he was witty and we have similar interests. We should have been going on our first date tonight, but yesterday the very exciting opportunity to go to Opera North to see Otello came about thanks to Culture Vultures (I will be blogging about this in the next few days); sadly that meant I had to email mikey78 and let him know that we would have to rearrange. The email was a sweet one, his response ..not so much!

He called me most names you can think of including, a cock-tease (not sure he knows what this actually is) bitch and self indulgent. He was even less amused when I responded telling him that we wouldn’t be rearranging the date!

He topped that though, he went straight to Match and reported me as a fake profile! Cue and interesting few emails from Match. In fairness they were really great and understood my frustration with the whole matter.

So all in all an interesting first 4 days on the site. However I will continue with a positive mental attitude and as always humour.  Even if I don’t find love, I am finding a whole world of stuff to blog about!

You can follow the day to day tweetings at @emglobetrotter if you prefer my rants limited to 140 characters!

Until next time….

E x

Match?

Thanks to the 3.5 year mark having passed since I last had a semblance of a relationship,  if you read my blog then you will also know its been well over a year since I have been lucky enough to engage with a chap in the no pants dance, I am now embracing the possibility that I will find a chap online! Or at least get a few dates out of it, always good for blog fodder!

So here I go, signed up to Match.com for a month, that’s all I am willing to commit, I am amazed that people sign up for a year right off that bat!

datingThis is totally how I feel about online dating!

So the info has been submitted I have been honest without over sharing and have used pictures that actually look like me, although thanks to Instagram show me in a nice soft light! I am always amazed at how hard people seem to think writing a little bit about yourself is, for me it wasn’t tough. Potentially because I write for a living, and for a hobby, but mostly I think it’s because people aren’t comfortable with who they really are. Thanks to the last 3 years of hell and heaven I have come to a real acceptance about who I am. I worry how much people exaggerate or gloss over some things about themselves. They tick the average looks box because they don’t want to come across as cocky, but knowing all along that actually they are attractive, the say they love things they think other people are looking for or worst of all they create an almost entirely fictional online ‘character’.

matchphoto

Match photos

So here is my plan, be honest, all the time; not to the point I upset someone but I wont be trying to fit the mold someone else is searching for. So at 5.30pm today 21st January 2013 I am officially ‘dating’ the deal is if I get asked on a date I will go! Despite the fact that I have a list as long as War and Peace outlining what I do and do not want in a man. Then I had a little moment where I realised that I have narrowed the must have personality traits and appearance of ‘Mr Perfect’ to such a degree but I am not sure a person like that even exists! So I am branching out…..I am not thrilled about it, but nor am I thrilled to still be single.

So every few days I will update you on how im getting along…..must dash I have a few emails waiting for me!

E x

New Year, New Blog

As I am sure all of you that read my column are aware I am not one to sit on the fence, nor am I likely to keep my trap shut when I feel a rant brewing.

If you follow me on twitter I am sure that you have seen my recent tweets about ‘real women’ it may seem I am a little late to the party as there have been substantial rumblings and annoyance aimed at companies using size 16+ women and labeling them as ‘real’

photo

I must say I am 16+ and comfortable with my body, and thanks to my ability to inhale & exhale I count myself a real woman, it is in fact the sheer ability to breathe and function as a human that makes me a ‘real woman’ not my BMI or dress size.

If you follow me on instagram you will be aware of my addiction to glossy advert filled magazines, and my need to photograph and lust over them. But in reading them I have noticed my view of ‘normality’ is now somewhat skewed. Although I am aware that excessive air-brushing is used together with clever lighting and technical trickery, I find myself lulled into thinking that the foundation advertised will make my skin flawless, that I could have Cheryl style hair, or that Cosmo’s life quiz might actually cast light on my never-ending single state. I was shocked at the sheer levels of air-brushing and tweaking, saddened by the inane pointless drivel they pedal.

All of this came to a head when reading Glamour magazines tips on how to Internet date and the first snippet of advice went a little like this “make sure your profile picture on the site is accessible, you need to say hello without being intimidating” Ohhhh I see, so that’s where I am going wrong I’m using an intimidating picture. Look at it, brutal!

It got me to thinking about what I really want to read about, and thus Awkward was born.

Awkward is a new blog I am launching in February, filled with lifestyle, culture, parenting, fashion and beauty. At the moment its in the process of being created so looks a little plain, but will be perfect by the launch on 18th Feb 2013.

The contributors are diverse, they know what they are writing about, if they write about parenting then its because they are parents, if they are offering advice; its because they have been there and done it. The Awkward angle comes with each individual, each writer sees  themselves in an awkward light, not in a negative way, just an awkward one.

I would love to have guest posts on the site so if you want to get involved then contact me hello@theawkwardmagazine.com let me know what you like to write about and we can get the ball rolling. You can also find Awkward on twitter

Thank you ahead of time for the support I know I will have from you all

Em x

Let’s talk about sex….baby!

Yes that’s right, SEX!

Perfect morning sex, saturday afternoon sex on the sofa, falling in drunk from a night out sex and especially an unexpected quickie in the shower. I hear what you are thinking, what a lucky girl getting all that perfectly marvellous sex, well I have to tell you that couldn’t be further from the truth. But just because I am currently on a sex sabbatical does not mean that I cannot indulge in past times.

As I am sure all of you, especially those who read this blog or follow me on twitter, will know that I am extremely single. Sadly not your magazine or movie worthy single where you can cut to scenes of me dancing the night away with a handsome artist in an underground salsa club or galavanting all over a sun drenched city. Rather it sees me working, walking the dogs and out on the occasional night out ending with me alone in my own in bed usually watching an episode of Inspector Lewis. Hot or what!

Although I must admit there are of course upsides to being single that include, getting control over the remote, being able to sleep in the middle of the bed and of course no compromising over the weekend plans.

There are downsides too, and recently these have become more apparent due to my now excessive single-ness! Those downsides include, no one to snuggle up to when watching a movie, having to trap spiders myself, and no one to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve, but I must admit something to you all and that is this, sex is the thing I miss the most.

I know, I know I’m a modern woman and I could go out and have sex with some hot random guy I meet on a night out, which believe me in the past I have done, and in fact massively enjoyed, so much so they make up around 40% of my ‘List’. Sadly though I think I have been out of the sex game for too long now.

Unfortunately despite all of my best interests my mini flings tend to be more like Lena Dunham in girls

than Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct!

And I have to tell you the worst of it is the moment you wake slightly furry of mouth and head, blurry eyes trying desperately to confirm your location and the body next to you. Never is it like the movies, never does it lead to breakfast in a quaint coffee shop, mostly it leads to a horrific 20 minutes of trying to remove my arm from under him, then making enough noise to wake him and work out how the hell I get the man who currently looks much more like Wayne Rooney than David Beckham out of my house. Don’t get me wrong I did that, numerous times for numerous years, although mostly with achingly gorgeous chaps. But the novelty has worn off and I think if I am completely honest I wouldn’t even know where to begin with the whole one night stand game. So I have bowed out into early retirement.

But this leaves me between a rock and hard place (or lack there of) no boyfriend to do the no pants dance with and no chance of me going out and clubbing me a man to drag back to my cave.

Suddenly I realised that if nothing else a relationship would at least offer me the joy of guaranteed sex, so gleefully I signed up to eHarmony. A word of warning, don’t do it ladies! Unless of course what you are after is a drip who lives at home and lists his interests as “reading books and eating cereal” that was his entire “likes and interests” section! Or maybe you would like a science teacher who asked me how I felt about being “an experiment” hmmmmm il pass thanks.

People keep telling me that if I stop looking “he” will find me, however I’m not sure he could find me, since I spent most of my life at work, walking the hounds dressed as a bag lady, or at home in bed watching Breaking Bad or Homeland. But there maybe is the issue, maybe I need to as Charlotte says in SATC “put myself out there” but please tell me you lucky folks having all this sex. Where is “out there”? Seriously I’d love to know! Because there are people in my life who appear to be having more sex than I am having hot meals with a plethora of chaps, I feel a little like the last kid to get picked for the team in PE!

So tonight lovelies do me a favour, no matter how tired, grumpy etc you are, have sex, grateful sex, because you don’t know how lucky you are!

Yours sincerely

Single & Shagless

E x

eHarmony….shmarmony!

Right I would like at this point to draw your attention to the fact that I in no way see myself as a perfect catch, relationship wise. I have flaws, many in some ways. I am not at my fittest, hottest most awesome self, but I am on the way back there!

Since meeting Mr 3 Piece suit there has been a distinct shift in my attitude towards relationships, I have accepted that although I would love to have butterflies the minute I meet someone, I have to accept that I may just end up disappointed. I also am surrounded by couples, A&K, C&C are my favourites, they show the full spectrum of relationship shades, from the love to the loathing I get to see it all. That is the thing I miss most about being with someone, its not actually the love part, its the being together part, the having someone to talk to late at night when you can’t sleep, the person who knows you by choice not because they have to, someone whose chest I can rest my head on when the world seems a little scary.

And so here I am a month into online dating and to be honest its a sad state of affairs, I am quite honestly shocked and disheartened by the ‘matches’ that eharmony seem to think I will fall madly in love with and go on to star in a sappy tv ad!

Now for those of you lucky gits who have found love in a dark bar whilst dancing to scissor sisters and drinking a vodka&red bull or via your very kind friends then all this ‘online’ dating malarkey may be new to you – if so then it goes a little something like this…..

Step 1- Realise just how hideously lonely you are, go on a night out get painfully drunk and end up calling an ex only to be delightfully awoken the next morning with a patronising text from him going a little like this “Emma, i’m with someone else now, I really think you should find someone too” Yeah thanks dick head! I am clearly trying and failing, hence the late night call to you! Moron!

Step 2 – Accept that maybe you need a little assistance in the whole dating game, see an advert on tv of a shiny cute couple who have found everlasting love via the medium of online dating. So you sign yourself up and wait for the plethora of beautiful, talented, charismatic men to flood your inbox.

Step 3 – Massively regret signing up for this service as all it does is remind you of the fact that you are painfully picky and that the chances of you finding said beautiful, talented and charismatic chap are about as likely as creating a fully functional chocolate teapot!

The particular site I am on asked me a 100,000,000 questions in an effort to ‘match’ me with someone looking for the same things in life, with the same morals and searching for the same type of relationship. Let me just tell you something, whoever made their ‘match maker’ algorithms needs shooting!

I am not looking for someone who is 5ft 4, unemployed and living with his parents. I also do not need to waste my time talking to someone whose opening statement says “I’m awesome”, how about the man who looks a little like Santa after a heavy night out…..I ask you why have they been suggested to me? Is it a subliminal way of telling me that the best I can do is scrape the barrel at this point?

I don’t like to come across as being cruel towards others, Mr 5ft4 may in fact be lovely, and have a genuine reason for living at home and being unemployed but to be honest I am 27 in just over a month and I don’t have time to deal with all of that! I have my own agenda, and I know that it isnt like it is in the movies, but now I have been reminded of that feeling of a racing heart beat and flushed cheeks, I know what it feels like once more to slow dance with someone, and chat about nothing under the stars drinking champagne….

……So here is the new plan – get a new job, get a social life, get a man.

The new job bit has been checked, I started today at a wonderful digital agency in Leeds called Sticky Eyes, and am now surrounded by very like minded, uber cool and all round awesome folks. There are some very cute faces to keep me entertained as well. They are a super social lot and I have already been invited on a few nights out including the work fancy dress night out. So I think that point 2 – get a social life – is well on its way.

Anyone who knows me, knows that when it comes to patience, the personality fairy pretty much missed me out! I do things my way and in my own time, if that means asap then asap is when it will happen. As always if you cannot wait for the next installation of this blog you can follow me on twitter

I think that this blog may be simply the start of the journey… so hold on tight and prepare yourself for my no holds barred relationship revolution!