No More

When I was a little girl I was told, as I know a lot of girls are, that I was pretty, had beautiful unique eyes, had hair grown women dreamed about, and that I could do anything I wanted with my life. I accepted it because I was told it by the people who loved me.
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Dad & I 

So what happened between then and now. I have the same eyes and the same thick hair, and I am doing everything that I want in life. and yet I struggle.

I struggle with the fact that despite being told throughout my childhood the things I mentioned above, and many more, the only one that I held on to and has shaped me is the one about my ability to do anything I want with my life. I am doing exactly as I wish with my life. Everything I have done in my life has come from me, and yet when I look in the mirror it isn’t my accomplishments I see, it’s the things I think I have failed at.

How come I managed to turn all that positive reinforcement and support about my abilities and capabilities to achieve anything into a real life existence, yet as I sit and write this I am plagued with feelings of inadequacies about my looks that I have led me down a path to being overweight and horribly unfit.

I think that a lot of it stems from the fact that as girls we are taught by the people outside our home life that it’s the things we achieve in school that define us as we age. We are taught in school so that we can continue upwardly through life, to achieve success. In all that though I think certain messages are lost. I don’t think that girls are recognised for their naturally abilities, only those that are taught by others.

Yet as soon as we are grown those wonderful lessons we were taught, the incredible volumes of knowledge we have had imparted onto us over the years fall by the wayside and we are left with an overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction that no amount of pay rises, promotions and big offices can over quell.

I judge myself based on the viewpoint of others. I only believe I am a good friend, if those around me tell me so. I only believe I am attractive if the people I find attractive find me so. I am only ‘right’ when someone tells me I am.

I don’t know if any of you reading feel this way, if you don’t then apologies, but I have decided in the last 40 minutes, although its been coming for some time, that as long as I am happy with the person I am, what I see in the mirror and my actions towards others then the opinions of others become null and void.

At the beginning of 2013 as the clock stuck midnight I made a promise to myself;

no more

No more trying to be someone else, no more trying to be the best at things that don’t matter and instead focus on the things that do, no more spending time angry that certain people in my life don’t behave the way I think they should, no more despising the reflection I see in the mirror. No More.

Instead here are my 2013 vows (not resolutions)

- I will not stop watching airbrushed american television shows that make me feel bad about how I look. Instead I vow to read more of the authors who inspire me, follow the lives of women who work for the bodies they deserve and find time to work on myself.
- I will not dye my hair over and over again longing for it to be something it never will be. Instead I vow to be kind to it and treat it well and most of all not try to have the looks of someone else, but create looks of my own.
- I will not pay to have plastic stuck to me nails because I think that the best way to have long nails. Instead I vow to grow my nails with patience and treat them well.
- I will not use fake tan or sun beds. Instead I will embrace my beautiful pale skin which I have recently realised actually suits my green eyes and dark hair.
- I will not read more into the tweets, Facebook statuses or other social networking site posts of my friends. Instead I vow to spend time with them; honest time so that when they post arsey snarky posts (which they still will) I will know that its nothing to do with me.
- I will not eat junk food. Instead I will allow myself a treat whenever I wish as long as it’s a small amount and I can justify eating it.
- I will not continue to allow my body to deteriorate. Instead I will exercise for 30 minutes every single day. Be it a brisk dog walk, a dance class, a swim or whatever else I wish.
- I will not see the success of others as a failure in me. Instead I will celebrate success with them and strive harder to focus on my aims and goals and not take my eye off them.

love what you do

Finally I will not deny myself any experience, opportunity or emotion. Instead I will go through life open-minded, honestly and with every intention of becoming the greatest version of myself possible.

Would love to know what you feel about this?

E x

PS don’t forget you can still enter my Instant Print business card giveaway 

My Match Weekiversary!

My match.com ‘weekiversary’ has passed and I must say after Mr Shadow Penis things are beginning to look up!

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I must firstly inform you though of the delightful creature who appeared in my inbox late last week. Beautiful doesn’t begin to describe him, handsome movie star good looks and witty banter, I thought hello! I’m on to a winner here.

Fast forward around 3 hours and I’ve learnt that although he is a barrister day-to-day, in the evenings he is a ‘butler in the buff’ what joy I thought! However things took a kooky turn when he informed me that he doesn’t wear an apron when he does it, and usually it’s just one on one with a woman. Now I am not a prude by any means, but surely to you dear readers that seems a little…odd?

With further probing I discover that actually if he had it his way he would be naked all the time and finds that it’s the best way to get to know someone! But “rest assured” he said, you don’t need to be naked on our first date. Phew!

So the date is booked with Mr Naked Lawyer and I guess I’l just have to see what happens. Oh did I also mention he sent me a run down of what I can expect from our first five dates…I’l share a little with you!

“Date 1 – I will be naked, you may not be. I will allow kissing without tongues and light fondling

Date 2 – I will be naked you are more than welcome to be in underwear but not naked. You may pleasure yourself as may I but you may not touch me. I can ejaculate on your body”

Now I’m all up for fondling and all the rest, just not sure I need it scheduled in like a dentists check up?! As a very good friend said… it’s all a little Christian Grey.

Mr Naked seemed to spark some flash of change on the site, suddenly I decided that I should just be bold and email guys I liked the look of, my male friends are always saying women should be more forward. I’m pleased to tell you they’re right!

So as it stands I have a date with a reconstructive surgeon from here on known as Dr Slick, a guitar teacher from Leeds now known as Mr Stratocaster and am chatting with a guy who we’ll call Mr Potential.

Don’t worry il be keeping you up to date on the courting as and when they happen.

Until then! Happy Thursday

E x

4 days down….27 to go!

4 down

So if you read my initial post about match.com earlier this week you will know that I am on a months trial of the site to see if it can boost my 3.5 year stalemate.

I come with tidings of hilarity and horror! Prepare yourself!

It was all going so well, over 100 views of my profile, 37 winks and 14 chaps chatting to me, I was thrilled. I totally understood the benefit of online dating, in the whole 3.5 years of being single I didn’t get a percentage of the attention I have had on the site.

However, as is always the way, things never do run smoothly in my life. So let me begin with some of the delights on the site, how about the 2 guys on there from Harrogate, who I know have girlfriends who have been ‘active’ on the site in the last few days…hmmm interesting! Then there are the guys who appear to have taken their profile pictures in the dirtiest mirror in the world, or decided that the picture where they are one of 30 people is a suitable one to attract attention. But I think the highlight in terms of profile picture goes to this chap – whose face I have blurred out for legal reasons! But if you are brave have a little look down at the bottom right hand corner……

scary

Not sure there is much I can say about that! And for the record that’s his profile image, not something he sent me!

But in all of this I think that the most disturbing has to be the guy who asked me out, we made great plans to go to comedy club, he was witty and we have similar interests. We should have been going on our first date tonight, but yesterday the very exciting opportunity to go to Opera North to see Otello came about thanks to Culture Vultures (I will be blogging about this in the next few days); sadly that meant I had to email mikey78 and let him know that we would have to rearrange. The email was a sweet one, his response ..not so much!

He called me most names you can think of including, a cock-tease (not sure he knows what this actually is) bitch and self indulgent. He was even less amused when I responded telling him that we wouldn’t be rearranging the date!

He topped that though, he went straight to Match and reported me as a fake profile! Cue and interesting few emails from Match. In fairness they were really great and understood my frustration with the whole matter.

So all in all an interesting first 4 days on the site. However I will continue with a positive mental attitude and as always humour.  Even if I don’t find love, I am finding a whole world of stuff to blog about!

You can follow the day to day tweetings at @emglobetrotter if you prefer my rants limited to 140 characters!

Until next time….

E x

Will I ever be enough?

 

Somewhat of a serious note to this weeks blog, something I have wanted to blog about really since starting Hey World.

Like many people in the world, I read blogs, I tweet and I have a Facebook account. I interact via social media every waking hour. Mostly this is down to my job, where I work with bloggers and spend most of my time at work searching and reading blogs. But I am now more than a little concerned by the amount of time I devote to it outside of work hours leads me to think that I may have a problem. It’s not just the amount of time that I spend idly checking friends Facebook status updates and photos of the weekend;  reading favourite blogs about fashion and lifestyle, or replying to and re-tweeting tweets, it’s the impact it seems to be having on my own self worth.

I follow some amazing women on twitter, they run successful companies , have beautiful husbands and angelic looking children, they are part of book clubs and attend events most nights, they snap pictures of themselves in clothes I love, and I start to think they have the life that I want.  What started as a genuine interest in the snippets  of these bloggers lives, that they chose to share with the world has now become my way of measuring myself up against others. Now when I read  blogs it makes me question my own life,  I end up feeling down about the lack of a social life I have, that I don’t go out in the week really, that I am single, that I am not at the top of my game work wise. This isn’t the bloggers fault, and I guess not really my fault; people seem to be of the opinion that its ‘modern life’; but I am not comfortable with that I don’t think. I think that I need to really stop, take a step back and re-evaluate.  Case in point – during the 40 minutes I have taken to write this post I have checked my twitter and Facebook 6 times; this makes me sad.

I read magazines and don’t belittle myself for not having airbrushed skin or a catwalk worthy body, and that’s because I know that they are edited to within an inch of their life, airbrushed and more than likely live on a diet and exercise regime that would make me weep. But the difference with bloggers is; they are real, genuine people, usually not air brushed and therefore I find myself comparing every moment of my life to them.

I think it all boils down to my competitive nature, I hate being anything but the best at things. I want to have the best blog, the coolest life and to be honest would like every now and again to feel a little smug about my life; the problem with that is I wont attempt something unless I know I will be good at it. Hence the sustained single-ness and not having the body of a fashion blogger, because what if I fail? What if at the end of it all I am never enough?

And thus the floodgates are opened about what is ‘enough’?

Will I ever be settled with my lot? Happy and content with the life that I have? Will I ever realise how fortunate I really am to have first world problems like not having a high ranking blog on Google or an instagram with 1,000,000 followers? When will I realise that although I am single, I am surrounded by love. When will I realise that my job is amazing, and that more than that I am lucky to have a job and money coming in every month, and somewhere beautiful to live.

When will it all be enough?

So with that in mind my new plan is to limit my use of social media to working hours, to put my phone out of sight of an evening and to limit myself to an hour a day over the weekend. I feel like an addict, weening myself off social media; but I am concerned that if I don’t then the feelings of inadequacy will only increase.

If you are in the same boat; I’d love to know I’m not the only one suffering with feelings of inadequacy.

E x

 

 

 

eHarmony….shmarmony!

Right I would like at this point to draw your attention to the fact that I in no way see myself as a perfect catch, relationship wise. I have flaws, many in some ways. I am not at my fittest, hottest most awesome self, but I am on the way back there!

Since meeting Mr 3 Piece suit there has been a distinct shift in my attitude towards relationships, I have accepted that although I would love to have butterflies the minute I meet someone, I have to accept that I may just end up disappointed. I also am surrounded by couples, A&K, C&C are my favourites, they show the full spectrum of relationship shades, from the love to the loathing I get to see it all. That is the thing I miss most about being with someone, its not actually the love part, its the being together part, the having someone to talk to late at night when you can’t sleep, the person who knows you by choice not because they have to, someone whose chest I can rest my head on when the world seems a little scary.

And so here I am a month into online dating and to be honest its a sad state of affairs, I am quite honestly shocked and disheartened by the ‘matches’ that eharmony seem to think I will fall madly in love with and go on to star in a sappy tv ad!

Now for those of you lucky gits who have found love in a dark bar whilst dancing to scissor sisters and drinking a vodka&red bull or via your very kind friends then all this ‘online’ dating malarkey may be new to you – if so then it goes a little something like this…..

Step 1- Realise just how hideously lonely you are, go on a night out get painfully drunk and end up calling an ex only to be delightfully awoken the next morning with a patronising text from him going a little like this “Emma, i’m with someone else now, I really think you should find someone too” Yeah thanks dick head! I am clearly trying and failing, hence the late night call to you! Moron!

Step 2 – Accept that maybe you need a little assistance in the whole dating game, see an advert on tv of a shiny cute couple who have found everlasting love via the medium of online dating. So you sign yourself up and wait for the plethora of beautiful, talented, charismatic men to flood your inbox.

Step 3 – Massively regret signing up for this service as all it does is remind you of the fact that you are painfully picky and that the chances of you finding said beautiful, talented and charismatic chap are about as likely as creating a fully functional chocolate teapot!

The particular site I am on asked me a 100,000,000 questions in an effort to ‘match’ me with someone looking for the same things in life, with the same morals and searching for the same type of relationship. Let me just tell you something, whoever made their ‘match maker’ algorithms needs shooting!

I am not looking for someone who is 5ft 4, unemployed and living with his parents. I also do not need to waste my time talking to someone whose opening statement says “I’m awesome”, how about the man who looks a little like Santa after a heavy night out…..I ask you why have they been suggested to me? Is it a subliminal way of telling me that the best I can do is scrape the barrel at this point?

I don’t like to come across as being cruel towards others, Mr 5ft4 may in fact be lovely, and have a genuine reason for living at home and being unemployed but to be honest I am 27 in just over a month and I don’t have time to deal with all of that! I have my own agenda, and I know that it isnt like it is in the movies, but now I have been reminded of that feeling of a racing heart beat and flushed cheeks, I know what it feels like once more to slow dance with someone, and chat about nothing under the stars drinking champagne….

……So here is the new plan – get a new job, get a social life, get a man.

The new job bit has been checked, I started today at a wonderful digital agency in Leeds called Sticky Eyes, and am now surrounded by very like minded, uber cool and all round awesome folks. There are some very cute faces to keep me entertained as well. They are a super social lot and I have already been invited on a few nights out including the work fancy dress night out. So I think that point 2 – get a social life – is well on its way.

Anyone who knows me, knows that when it comes to patience, the personality fairy pretty much missed me out! I do things my way and in my own time, if that means asap then asap is when it will happen. As always if you cannot wait for the next installation of this blog you can follow me on twitter

I think that this blog may be simply the start of the journey… so hold on tight and prepare yourself for my no holds barred relationship revolution!

Disappointment

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It is a charming skill we are taught as children, to not be bitter or hot headed when faced with disappointment, but to be respectful and accept it as part of growing up. But, I ask you, how are we meant to deal with it once we are grown. Should we all learn the ability to “manage our expectations”? To be a good sport? What does that even mean?

I am quite honestly bored of having to gracefully accept disappointment and let down. I am mostly bored of accepting the way people behave. It happens more and more the older I get, I am let down either by the actions of others or by events as they unfold.

From the simple trip to the cinema, spending a small fortune for the luxury of an uncomfortable seat and over priced refreshments, but after you have been rised of money, you take your seat, you become engrossed in the admosphere, the trailers and the anticipation of the feature you are about to watch. Then, sadly in most cases, I leave feeling disappointed. Take the Bourne Legacy, the amazing adverts, the knowledge that I adored the previous ones, well I tell you if I wanted a sappy romantic movie I would watch Love Actually. I would love someone to explain something to me???

Why is it when you go to see a romantic comedy with the likes of Jennifer Aniston or J-Lo, you are not bombarded with hand to hand combat or an 18 car chase? But heaven forbid you go to watch a movie that is advertised as the “Ultimate Bourne” and it is actually just that, a high octane, fast paced, heart racing action thriller. Because I tell you something I left the cinema today realising it was 2 hours of my life I was never going to get back!

But enough of the film reviews, and apologies if in just burst your bubble before you go to see it, I genuinely hope that its just my cynical way.

The real reason for this post was a follow on and update on my foray into the world of gainful employment. Well I have to tell you it started extremely well, I felt on top of the world as I left the PR speciality agency full of confidence in my transferable skills. It turned out that I really did need someone to tell me that I was good enough and someone would most definitely employ me. As I sat on the train home I was filled with a wonderful sense of belonging again, something I didn’t even realise I was missing.

And so my CV went off to a creative agency I already knew of and loved the sound of and I sat smugly thinking it was in the bag, HA! Well how I felt the fool when Friday passed with not so much as a squeak, not a word, not even a rejection, and thus began the weekend of Limbo – wondering, waiting and hoping that I would get the call to say YES they would LOVE to meet with you. Instead just as 11am passed I got the call, “you didn’t get it” gutted is a great word to describe how I felt, deflated there is another one, but of all things I felt I mostly felt disappointed. Now, I really have fantastic friends and family and as is my way I obviously posted on Facebook & twitter that I was disappointed and they were all fab as always, tweets and comments of support and condolences. But the thing that I really struggle with is the immediate need to pacify disappointment, I had messages like this “You were too good for them” “They don’t know what they are missing” “There is something way better out there for you” and I tell you something that makes for wonderful friends and family. But here is my thought on the matter. Maybe actually I wasn’t good enough for the job, right for the job, maybe they have someone far more suitable. I actually think that rather than temper my disappointment I am going to use it to adapt my CV and look into ways of making my self the perfect candidate. Its a stance I plan on adopting in all aspects of my life….dating included.

As my single years have passed, I continue to be disappointed in men I date not seeing past the fact that I am over weight, I am disouraged and in the long term angry that they are so superficial that they dont take the time to get to know me. I imagine a lot of you reading this feel that I am being hard on myself but im not. Why wouldnt a guy be put off by someone that doesnt fit the type they go for, if I was as dumb as dirt then i would expect them to have an issue with that too. Luckily i’m pretty smart & have great sense of humor so the issue holding me back is something I can change so as such I am going to deal with the weight thing, because as much as I might say “Im comfortable in my skin”, its a lie i’m not I want my size 12 body back. And before anyone says that i’m doing it for the wrong reasons, surely no matter the initial reason being healthy and well is always a better way to live that over weight and unhealthy.

So on the 15th September I will begin a 21 day regime with a friend who is also a fantastic personal trainer Chris Lupton from Innovate Fitness, you can read about it on his site, http://www.innovatefitness.co.uk. I will of course be blogging about it and tweeting so if you want to know all about it stay tuned!

Whilst researching “disappointment” I found this quote and think it suitably sums up how I plan to deal with it going forward, I will leave this post with the quote and il be back soon!

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream and how you handle the disappointment along the way”

E x

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Ding Ding Ding round 2!

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So here I am on the eve of my first job interview in over 3 years. I have bought a new outfit, slightly different from my most recent uniform of skinny jeans, vest tops & Ugg boots. Instead its beautifully tailored trousers, a silk shirt with cream suede heels and finished off with classic rose gold jewellery. I have agonised over straight or curly hair – going in the end for volumous straight, I have debated the suitability of certain heel heights, 3 inches was decided upon, nail colour…. Chanel Red.

Its a strange old feeling, I have been the one on the business side of the desk, asking the questions and theoretically deciding someones fate for 3 years, I have hired & managed 6 members of staff throughout that time, asked them probing questions about skills, life plans and experience. I have debated over how “right” they are. But tomorrow at 12 noon I will be sitting in the office of a hugely successful woman, who runs a hugely sucessful business, hoping that she sees in me something she feels she can work with. I hope that she sees my drive and ambiotion, my determiation and tenacity and most of all I hope that I keep my inner “boss” inside!

It has been a strange old few years.

I went from living with my “wonderful” boyfriend, working with friends and with a great social life filled with parties and holidays, to being broken hearted back on my mum and dads door step with a suitcase and a sense of complete loss. I wont lie to you all it took me 6 months to even begin to deal with the end of the relationship, to say he pulled the rug from under me is an understatement of quite epic proportions, he cheated, lied and drank excessively. I was the one who eneded it, I left our home together, left all the furniture, and decided that I would rather be devastasted on my own than with a man who would treat me with such disrespect and regard.

So back I went to my childhood room, and i began to plot, to plan to take back my life. And my life became a life wrapped in bun cases and topped with whipped butter cream.

I started making cakes to raise money for a sky dive I was doing for Orchid Cancer Care, something I decided whilst inhebriated with my dad just after his prostate cancer diagnosis. It turned from around 36 cupcakes a week, into a home run business, when my dad passed in May 2010 it pushed me harder towards success and with his gentle geordie accent in my ears urging me to be more than people expected of me, I took over a corporate kitchen, then leased a beautiful period shop in Harrogate, I lauched a bakery blog and ended my days in the business making around 2000 cakes a week. During those 3 years I had the greatest moments, met incredible people, created cake masterpieces for wonderful couples & companies alike, opened my own shop and started writing a cook book. But as those of you who are self employed or in fact anyone with a beating heart know, where there are ups, indeed there are downs. I cried when a member of staff left me completely in the lurch and ruined my holiday, I screamed when clients pulled out last minute, I cursed when I had to spend hours chasing invoices. But without all of that, without the moments of sheer delight or the horrific moments when I would wake at 2am thinking I had forgotton something, I wouldnt have all that I now have. I wouldnt have sold the business, and spent some of the money expoloring America & Canada, meeting achingly cool new people and family members I have never met. I learnt to miss people and mostly love myself.

But as with the business, where there are the ups of Edge Walking the CN Tower, watching imaculate sunsets and laughing until I cant breath. There was the down time, the moment I landed in Manchester Airport on Tuesday 31st July 2012, I felt my tan and optomism begin to fade. I panicked, how would I keep up the momentum, remain so positive with life, when once I was home nothing defined me. No business, No staff, No reason to need to be up in the morning. For someone like me, always with a plan and always charging through life, being useless is a very daunting feeling.

And that brings us to now, laid on my bed at 12.29am on Monday 6th August 2012, nails painted and hair washed in my I Heart NYC pjs. I am glad to report that although I am nervous, I am filled with all the hope I had the first day my shop opened, I am supremely grateful that my father bestowed his abillity to have infinite self belief onto me.

I am faithful that tomorrow will bring about the dawn of the next chapter in this exciting life of mine. I always said that I never wanted to get the end of my life and wished that I had done more, seen more or most of all been more. I made a promise to myself sat watching the sun set over Lynden Ontario that I would be true to myself and never deny myself one moment of supercalifragilisticexpealidocious-ness and that is a promise I indend to keep.

Here is my new motto…

“Eventually all of the pieces will fall into place
Until then laugh at the confussion,
live for the moment
and know that everything happens for a reason”

Speak soon

E x