No More

When I was a little girl I was told, as I know a lot of girls are, that I was pretty, had beautiful unique eyes, had hair grown women dreamed about, and that I could do anything I wanted with my life. I accepted it because I was told it by the people who loved me.
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Dad & I 

So what happened between then and now. I have the same eyes and the same thick hair, and I am doing everything that I want in life. and yet I struggle.

I struggle with the fact that despite being told throughout my childhood the things I mentioned above, and many more, the only one that I held on to and has shaped me is the one about my ability to do anything I want with my life. I am doing exactly as I wish with my life. Everything I have done in my life has come from me, and yet when I look in the mirror it isn’t my accomplishments I see, it’s the things I think I have failed at.

How come I managed to turn all that positive reinforcement and support about my abilities and capabilities to achieve anything into a real life existence, yet as I sit and write this I am plagued with feelings of inadequacies about my looks that I have led me down a path to being overweight and horribly unfit.

I think that a lot of it stems from the fact that as girls we are taught by the people outside our home life that it’s the things we achieve in school that define us as we age. We are taught in school so that we can continue upwardly through life, to achieve success. In all that though I think certain messages are lost. I don’t think that girls are recognised for their naturally abilities, only those that are taught by others.

Yet as soon as we are grown those wonderful lessons we were taught, the incredible volumes of knowledge we have had imparted onto us over the years fall by the wayside and we are left with an overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction that no amount of pay rises, promotions and big offices can over quell.

I judge myself based on the viewpoint of others. I only believe I am a good friend, if those around me tell me so. I only believe I am attractive if the people I find attractive find me so. I am only ‘right’ when someone tells me I am.

I don’t know if any of you reading feel this way, if you don’t then apologies, but I have decided in the last 40 minutes, although its been coming for some time, that as long as I am happy with the person I am, what I see in the mirror and my actions towards others then the opinions of others become null and void.

At the beginning of 2013 as the clock stuck midnight I made a promise to myself;

no more

No more trying to be someone else, no more trying to be the best at things that don’t matter and instead focus on the things that do, no more spending time angry that certain people in my life don’t behave the way I think they should, no more despising the reflection I see in the mirror. No More.

Instead here are my 2013 vows (not resolutions)

- I will not stop watching airbrushed american television shows that make me feel bad about how I look. Instead I vow to read more of the authors who inspire me, follow the lives of women who work for the bodies they deserve and find time to work on myself.
- I will not dye my hair over and over again longing for it to be something it never will be. Instead I vow to be kind to it and treat it well and most of all not try to have the looks of someone else, but create looks of my own.
- I will not pay to have plastic stuck to me nails because I think that the best way to have long nails. Instead I vow to grow my nails with patience and treat them well.
- I will not use fake tan or sun beds. Instead I will embrace my beautiful pale skin which I have recently realised actually suits my green eyes and dark hair.
- I will not read more into the tweets, Facebook statuses or other social networking site posts of my friends. Instead I vow to spend time with them; honest time so that when they post arsey snarky posts (which they still will) I will know that its nothing to do with me.
- I will not eat junk food. Instead I will allow myself a treat whenever I wish as long as it’s a small amount and I can justify eating it.
- I will not continue to allow my body to deteriorate. Instead I will exercise for 30 minutes every single day. Be it a brisk dog walk, a dance class, a swim or whatever else I wish.
- I will not see the success of others as a failure in me. Instead I will celebrate success with them and strive harder to focus on my aims and goals and not take my eye off them.

love what you do

Finally I will not deny myself any experience, opportunity or emotion. Instead I will go through life open-minded, honestly and with every intention of becoming the greatest version of myself possible.

Would love to know what you feel about this?

E x

PS don’t forget you can still enter my Instant Print business card giveaway 

My Match Weekiversary!

My match.com ‘weekiversary’ has passed and I must say after Mr Shadow Penis things are beginning to look up!

week

I must firstly inform you though of the delightful creature who appeared in my inbox late last week. Beautiful doesn’t begin to describe him, handsome movie star good looks and witty banter, I thought hello! I’m on to a winner here.

Fast forward around 3 hours and I’ve learnt that although he is a barrister day-to-day, in the evenings he is a ‘butler in the buff’ what joy I thought! However things took a kooky turn when he informed me that he doesn’t wear an apron when he does it, and usually it’s just one on one with a woman. Now I am not a prude by any means, but surely to you dear readers that seems a little…odd?

With further probing I discover that actually if he had it his way he would be naked all the time and finds that it’s the best way to get to know someone! But “rest assured” he said, you don’t need to be naked on our first date. Phew!

So the date is booked with Mr Naked Lawyer and I guess I’l just have to see what happens. Oh did I also mention he sent me a run down of what I can expect from our first five dates…I’l share a little with you!

“Date 1 – I will be naked, you may not be. I will allow kissing without tongues and light fondling

Date 2 – I will be naked you are more than welcome to be in underwear but not naked. You may pleasure yourself as may I but you may not touch me. I can ejaculate on your body”

Now I’m all up for fondling and all the rest, just not sure I need it scheduled in like a dentists check up?! As a very good friend said… it’s all a little Christian Grey.

Mr Naked seemed to spark some flash of change on the site, suddenly I decided that I should just be bold and email guys I liked the look of, my male friends are always saying women should be more forward. I’m pleased to tell you they’re right!

So as it stands I have a date with a reconstructive surgeon from here on known as Dr Slick, a guitar teacher from Leeds now known as Mr Stratocaster and am chatting with a guy who we’ll call Mr Potential.

Don’t worry il be keeping you up to date on the courting as and when they happen.

Until then! Happy Thursday

E x

4 days down….27 to go!

4 down

So if you read my initial post about match.com earlier this week you will know that I am on a months trial of the site to see if it can boost my 3.5 year stalemate.

I come with tidings of hilarity and horror! Prepare yourself!

It was all going so well, over 100 views of my profile, 37 winks and 14 chaps chatting to me, I was thrilled. I totally understood the benefit of online dating, in the whole 3.5 years of being single I didn’t get a percentage of the attention I have had on the site.

However, as is always the way, things never do run smoothly in my life. So let me begin with some of the delights on the site, how about the 2 guys on there from Harrogate, who I know have girlfriends who have been ‘active’ on the site in the last few days…hmmm interesting! Then there are the guys who appear to have taken their profile pictures in the dirtiest mirror in the world, or decided that the picture where they are one of 30 people is a suitable one to attract attention. But I think the highlight in terms of profile picture goes to this chap – whose face I have blurred out for legal reasons! But if you are brave have a little look down at the bottom right hand corner……

scary

Not sure there is much I can say about that! And for the record that’s his profile image, not something he sent me!

But in all of this I think that the most disturbing has to be the guy who asked me out, we made great plans to go to comedy club, he was witty and we have similar interests. We should have been going on our first date tonight, but yesterday the very exciting opportunity to go to Opera North to see Otello came about thanks to Culture Vultures (I will be blogging about this in the next few days); sadly that meant I had to email mikey78 and let him know that we would have to rearrange. The email was a sweet one, his response ..not so much!

He called me most names you can think of including, a cock-tease (not sure he knows what this actually is) bitch and self indulgent. He was even less amused when I responded telling him that we wouldn’t be rearranging the date!

He topped that though, he went straight to Match and reported me as a fake profile! Cue and interesting few emails from Match. In fairness they were really great and understood my frustration with the whole matter.

So all in all an interesting first 4 days on the site. However I will continue with a positive mental attitude and as always humour.  Even if I don’t find love, I am finding a whole world of stuff to blog about!

You can follow the day to day tweetings at @emglobetrotter if you prefer my rants limited to 140 characters!

Until next time….

E x

Match?

Thanks to the 3.5 year mark having passed since I last had a semblance of a relationship,  if you read my blog then you will also know its been well over a year since I have been lucky enough to engage with a chap in the no pants dance, I am now embracing the possibility that I will find a chap online! Or at least get a few dates out of it, always good for blog fodder!

So here I go, signed up to Match.com for a month, that’s all I am willing to commit, I am amazed that people sign up for a year right off that bat!

datingThis is totally how I feel about online dating!

So the info has been submitted I have been honest without over sharing and have used pictures that actually look like me, although thanks to Instagram show me in a nice soft light! I am always amazed at how hard people seem to think writing a little bit about yourself is, for me it wasn’t tough. Potentially because I write for a living, and for a hobby, but mostly I think it’s because people aren’t comfortable with who they really are. Thanks to the last 3 years of hell and heaven I have come to a real acceptance about who I am. I worry how much people exaggerate or gloss over some things about themselves. They tick the average looks box because they don’t want to come across as cocky, but knowing all along that actually they are attractive, the say they love things they think other people are looking for or worst of all they create an almost entirely fictional online ‘character’.

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Match photos

So here is my plan, be honest, all the time; not to the point I upset someone but I wont be trying to fit the mold someone else is searching for. So at 5.30pm today 21st January 2013 I am officially ‘dating’ the deal is if I get asked on a date I will go! Despite the fact that I have a list as long as War and Peace outlining what I do and do not want in a man. Then I had a little moment where I realised that I have narrowed the must have personality traits and appearance of ‘Mr Perfect’ to such a degree but I am not sure a person like that even exists! So I am branching out…..I am not thrilled about it, but nor am I thrilled to still be single.

So every few days I will update you on how im getting along…..must dash I have a few emails waiting for me!

E x

Bitch, Slut, Whore….

Slut; an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.

Whore; a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money

Dear Readers I need your help – could someone please tell me when it became acceptable to call other women & girls ‘SLUT’ ‘WHORE’ ‘SLAG’? Now may I just preface this by saying I know this isn’t a new occurrence in the world, and yes I have in the past passed judgement on a stranger without having any rights to. But it seems to me that all of this has now got out of hand. Worst of all it’s not coming from guys about girls, its girls about girls.

In the last 3 weeks I have seen 5 of my friends on Facebook discuss a girl we all went to school with, the said girl is dating one of the ‘mean girls’ ex boyfriends and they have all taken to bad mouthing this girl so badly on Facebook that I have noticed this morning she has deactivated her account. Now it cannot be coincidence that as the ‘mean girls’ were ripping strips of this girl, she decided to leave Facebook.

These girls; note I say girls and not women, as I can only see this behavior as that of people who aren’t grown up enough to be a touch more eloquent; I get that they feel they are protecting their recently dumped friend, but let me make something crystal clear, the aggressive attention should not be focused on the new girlfriend, but on the ex boyfriend surely. Did the new GF even know the guy when he was with his ex? We have been out of school 10 years and yet this feels a lot like it did when I was when I was 17. The difference now is that it’s not just friends on her Facebook  maybe work colleagues or family. It’s not isolated to the school common room like it was in 2002, now its out there for the whole world to see.

Even more upsetting that the 27-year-old girls behaving like school bullies is the recent increase in status’ of friends nieces and nephews and cousins of mine; suddenly it seems to be the norm to call their friends ‘Slag’. When I asked my cousin about this she said “I don’t get it really, but I don’t want to be the only one not doing it, so I do.”  This makes me so sad, I wanted to shake her and make her see the harm that she might be doing not only to herself but to her female and male friends. What chance do her female friends have of growing up and valuing themselves if their friends call them these awful names, even if only in jest. And the guys, what about them? Will they grow into the kind of guys who call the women in their life their ‘bitches’ ‘hoes’ or ‘birds’? Will they understand the way it makes those girls feel?

The reason all of this makes me so mad, is that 10 years ago I was the one being called the names, to name a few we had; slut, slag, whore, bitch, fat, ugly, gold digger, witch, tramp, hooker.  I was non of these things, yes I had boyfriends, yes I made bad decisions, but I didn’t deserve that. But I have moved on and learnt to value myself, but after leaving school I saw myself how they saw me, only good for an easy shag, because since I believed them I was ugly and fat. Fast forward 10 years and I am stood in a bar in Harrogate and bump into a guy I knew at school, who although drunk managed to introduce me to his mates, however he introduced me to these friends as “This is Emma, the easiest girl from school” WOW what an introduction. Luckily i have enough wherewithal to just walk away and not hold it against him.

When I asked on my Facebook page and twitter what women thought about the way some women speak to each other I got a range of replies;

” I’m not sure how any of those terms can be endearing, I’ve heard people using some of them in normal language with their friends…I think it’s disgusting! Wouldn’t want someone calling me any of them, in a friendly way or not!” SAH on Facebook

“When I was teaching I had to deal with this a lot (I had a horrible Yr10 form). I think a lot of it stems from America TV and film – they seem to use it there more often and not to the same effect. It’s more of a casual comment. Unfortunately it’s being used on a day-to-day basis now. Personally, I hate it!!” Sophie, Facebook

“Deeply insecure, needing affirmation that they are not like that themselves” from Laura Jane Connor 

However, there were a few who seemed to think it could be said in an endearing way, that they didn’t mean it in a cruel way but that it was almost a pet name, something that I really do not understand.

So I am planning on making sure that those words never leave my lips, whether I am discussing someone I know or not. Instead I plan on saying this to everyone I know – thank you Aibeline Clark for this.

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So seriously let me know what you think, I really want to know!

E x

 

 

Let’s talk about sex….baby!

Yes that’s right, SEX!

Perfect morning sex, saturday afternoon sex on the sofa, falling in drunk from a night out sex and especially an unexpected quickie in the shower. I hear what you are thinking, what a lucky girl getting all that perfectly marvellous sex, well I have to tell you that couldn’t be further from the truth. But just because I am currently on a sex sabbatical does not mean that I cannot indulge in past times.

As I am sure all of you, especially those who read this blog or follow me on twitter, will know that I am extremely single. Sadly not your magazine or movie worthy single where you can cut to scenes of me dancing the night away with a handsome artist in an underground salsa club or galavanting all over a sun drenched city. Rather it sees me working, walking the dogs and out on the occasional night out ending with me alone in my own in bed usually watching an episode of Inspector Lewis. Hot or what!

Although I must admit there are of course upsides to being single that include, getting control over the remote, being able to sleep in the middle of the bed and of course no compromising over the weekend plans.

There are downsides too, and recently these have become more apparent due to my now excessive single-ness! Those downsides include, no one to snuggle up to when watching a movie, having to trap spiders myself, and no one to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve, but I must admit something to you all and that is this, sex is the thing I miss the most.

I know, I know I’m a modern woman and I could go out and have sex with some hot random guy I meet on a night out, which believe me in the past I have done, and in fact massively enjoyed, so much so they make up around 40% of my ‘List’. Sadly though I think I have been out of the sex game for too long now.

Unfortunately despite all of my best interests my mini flings tend to be more like Lena Dunham in girls

than Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct!

And I have to tell you the worst of it is the moment you wake slightly furry of mouth and head, blurry eyes trying desperately to confirm your location and the body next to you. Never is it like the movies, never does it lead to breakfast in a quaint coffee shop, mostly it leads to a horrific 20 minutes of trying to remove my arm from under him, then making enough noise to wake him and work out how the hell I get the man who currently looks much more like Wayne Rooney than David Beckham out of my house. Don’t get me wrong I did that, numerous times for numerous years, although mostly with achingly gorgeous chaps. But the novelty has worn off and I think if I am completely honest I wouldn’t even know where to begin with the whole one night stand game. So I have bowed out into early retirement.

But this leaves me between a rock and hard place (or lack there of) no boyfriend to do the no pants dance with and no chance of me going out and clubbing me a man to drag back to my cave.

Suddenly I realised that if nothing else a relationship would at least offer me the joy of guaranteed sex, so gleefully I signed up to eHarmony. A word of warning, don’t do it ladies! Unless of course what you are after is a drip who lives at home and lists his interests as “reading books and eating cereal” that was his entire “likes and interests” section! Or maybe you would like a science teacher who asked me how I felt about being “an experiment” hmmmmm il pass thanks.

People keep telling me that if I stop looking “he” will find me, however I’m not sure he could find me, since I spent most of my life at work, walking the hounds dressed as a bag lady, or at home in bed watching Breaking Bad or Homeland. But there maybe is the issue, maybe I need to as Charlotte says in SATC “put myself out there” but please tell me you lucky folks having all this sex. Where is “out there”? Seriously I’d love to know! Because there are people in my life who appear to be having more sex than I am having hot meals with a plethora of chaps, I feel a little like the last kid to get picked for the team in PE!

So tonight lovelies do me a favour, no matter how tired, grumpy etc you are, have sex, grateful sex, because you don’t know how lucky you are!

Yours sincerely

Single & Shagless

E x

If I knew then what I know now….

So on Friday night I raced home from work and literally threw myself into the shower, forgetting to take my socks of, thus almost sliding to a shocking yet comedic death. The reason for my hysterical rushing I hear you ask, well I will tell you what, a party and not just any party but an 18th Birthday party for a rather wonderful girl who it saddens me to say I have known since she was about 5!

As I stepped into my floor length dress and amazing jewelry I was reminded of how excited I was before my 18th birthday party. The thrill of the new outfit, the call of the bar and all of my wonderful friends, because lets face it I was at my most popular during 2004.

Once home following one of the most unexpectedly fun nights I’d had in forever I sat on the sofa with a slightly wobbly head and got to thinking about all the things I know now compared to then and what I would have said to my 18-year-old self, if I knew then what I know now, if i had the chance this is what I would have said….

For the love of god Emma be kinder to people, in years to come you will need your friends more than you have any realisation of at the moment and if you continue the way you are then you will wake up one day and realise they are no longer a part of your life. Although you go on to have the most incredible friends,  who are hilarious, supportive and make your life inexplicably better, you will miss the friends you had as an 18-year-old.

Appreciate your body, stop moaning about your thighs, you have no idea how much you will put yourself through 8 years from now to try to get those thighs back. And all that long dark curly hair, leave it alone, stop dyeing it please or when you are 26 you will curse yourself the years of dying and straightening. You know those boobs of yours that get you all kinds of attention from boys, try to be a little more discreet about just how much you love the attention as it will get you a nasty reputation that 5 years later will really ruin a friendship. Oh and finally stop biting your nails, its grim, you look gross doing it and you will save a fortune on acrylic ones!

Boys, now this is a big one, cherish them, all of them. The dates, the sex, the heartache the butterflies, all of it. Love never feels the same as it does when you are in your teens, it never has that all consuming can’t breathe feeling. Oh and the heartbreak, god Emma the heart-break, I know you think its awful now. Those awful break ups, the hours spent crying about love, listening to Westlife and hating your life. Appreciate the heartache as a teenager because once kids, homes and money all get included in the mix it all gets so much harder to deal with.

Forgive yourself, that thing you did, that you think now looking back on may have ruined your life, it hasn’t I promise, it does alter your whole outlook on life and marriage and kids but you did the right thing, you made the right choice. You were way too young. And please forgive him too, he was young too, he didn’t know any better than to go out and get drunk with his friends and ignore your texts. He didn’t mean to break your heart.

Appreciate your parents, you have no idea what a small amount of time you have with your dad, those arguments about whose right or wrong don’t matter, pick your bloody shit up off the floor when he asks you too, its his house and his rules, be respectful of him, he’s earned it. Do ever belittle the love that he has for you, there will come a point when you will feel your heart-break into a million pieces as you realise that you can’t talk to him anymore, ask his advice or have a proper Geordie hug.

But most of all 18-year-old me, I beg of you do not regret anything that you chose to do, at the time it was exactly what you wanted to happen. You wanted those tattoos, you wanted to go home with the guy from the band, you wanted to dance on the piano in just a shirt and heels and all those nights you don’t remember all that well, definitely don’t regret them.

On the flip side there are some things that you at 18 could really teach 26-year-old you

1 – Believe that love will happen again, believe it with almost entire abandonment

2 – Have faith in yourself that you are as great as people say that you are

3 – Throw yourself into things without worrying what anyone else thinks about it

4 – Tell your friends how much you love them as often as possible.

So that’s it, that’s all.

18-year-old me really thought she knew it all……

If you could tell your 18-year-old self what would you tell yourself

E x

eHarmony….shmarmony!

Right I would like at this point to draw your attention to the fact that I in no way see myself as a perfect catch, relationship wise. I have flaws, many in some ways. I am not at my fittest, hottest most awesome self, but I am on the way back there!

Since meeting Mr 3 Piece suit there has been a distinct shift in my attitude towards relationships, I have accepted that although I would love to have butterflies the minute I meet someone, I have to accept that I may just end up disappointed. I also am surrounded by couples, A&K, C&C are my favourites, they show the full spectrum of relationship shades, from the love to the loathing I get to see it all. That is the thing I miss most about being with someone, its not actually the love part, its the being together part, the having someone to talk to late at night when you can’t sleep, the person who knows you by choice not because they have to, someone whose chest I can rest my head on when the world seems a little scary.

And so here I am a month into online dating and to be honest its a sad state of affairs, I am quite honestly shocked and disheartened by the ‘matches’ that eharmony seem to think I will fall madly in love with and go on to star in a sappy tv ad!

Now for those of you lucky gits who have found love in a dark bar whilst dancing to scissor sisters and drinking a vodka&red bull or via your very kind friends then all this ‘online’ dating malarkey may be new to you – if so then it goes a little something like this…..

Step 1- Realise just how hideously lonely you are, go on a night out get painfully drunk and end up calling an ex only to be delightfully awoken the next morning with a patronising text from him going a little like this “Emma, i’m with someone else now, I really think you should find someone too” Yeah thanks dick head! I am clearly trying and failing, hence the late night call to you! Moron!

Step 2 – Accept that maybe you need a little assistance in the whole dating game, see an advert on tv of a shiny cute couple who have found everlasting love via the medium of online dating. So you sign yourself up and wait for the plethora of beautiful, talented, charismatic men to flood your inbox.

Step 3 – Massively regret signing up for this service as all it does is remind you of the fact that you are painfully picky and that the chances of you finding said beautiful, talented and charismatic chap are about as likely as creating a fully functional chocolate teapot!

The particular site I am on asked me a 100,000,000 questions in an effort to ‘match’ me with someone looking for the same things in life, with the same morals and searching for the same type of relationship. Let me just tell you something, whoever made their ‘match maker’ algorithms needs shooting!

I am not looking for someone who is 5ft 4, unemployed and living with his parents. I also do not need to waste my time talking to someone whose opening statement says “I’m awesome”, how about the man who looks a little like Santa after a heavy night out…..I ask you why have they been suggested to me? Is it a subliminal way of telling me that the best I can do is scrape the barrel at this point?

I don’t like to come across as being cruel towards others, Mr 5ft4 may in fact be lovely, and have a genuine reason for living at home and being unemployed but to be honest I am 27 in just over a month and I don’t have time to deal with all of that! I have my own agenda, and I know that it isnt like it is in the movies, but now I have been reminded of that feeling of a racing heart beat and flushed cheeks, I know what it feels like once more to slow dance with someone, and chat about nothing under the stars drinking champagne….

……So here is the new plan – get a new job, get a social life, get a man.

The new job bit has been checked, I started today at a wonderful digital agency in Leeds called Sticky Eyes, and am now surrounded by very like minded, uber cool and all round awesome folks. There are some very cute faces to keep me entertained as well. They are a super social lot and I have already been invited on a few nights out including the work fancy dress night out. So I think that point 2 – get a social life – is well on its way.

Anyone who knows me, knows that when it comes to patience, the personality fairy pretty much missed me out! I do things my way and in my own time, if that means asap then asap is when it will happen. As always if you cannot wait for the next installation of this blog you can follow me on twitter

I think that this blog may be simply the start of the journey… so hold on tight and prepare yourself for my no holds barred relationship revolution!

Well….what a week!

Well to say that this week has been an emotionally charged g-force week would be a fair understatement. Since coming back to the UK I have felt a little disjointed as one would imagine, well this week the joints were slowly re-jointed and peace was finally restored to the Trotter Kingdom.

Love, that is what has touched most of the events of this week, in some guile, not always the movie kind, some time simply the tiny ray of hope that comes with potential love.

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It started with a date, my first proper one in well over a year, there were a lot of nerves, slight unwell feeling and a distinct amount of sweating, but I made it to the date in one piece. The picture above is me on my way out on said date. I have to admit although JP was not in any form my “type” I decided a date was a date and I had to proverbially “get back on the horse” it turned out to be a really lovely few hours, we chatted about work and family, the usual topics, finished our drinks, hugged and went our own merry way.

But something strange happened whilst walking home, I had a really vivid memory of my first date with my first love, sitting nervously hoping he would make the first move, almost melting into a puddle when he kissed me for the first time and the literal joy when he rang me the next day to ask me out again. There was something so incredible about that feeling, that overwhelming strength of attraction to another person. I remember even to this day the moment leading up to him coming to pick me up, the hours spent talking to my girlfriends about him, the numerous hours spent boring my mum to tears about him. But to me he was perfect, first real love perfect. To me he was the best looking human that had walked the planet and I thanked my lucky stars. But of all of this, all of my feelings, the greatest feeling in the world was when he looked at me, and smiled and I knew that he felt the same. Every now and again he would stop mid sentence to kiss me, just because he couldn’t finish the sentence without kissing me. I remember walking down the stairs at a family wedding and him actually gasping because in that moment, to him, I was the best thing in the world.

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Well folks I tell you something, I want that kind of love, the kind that is inconvenient, knock you off your feet, completely all consuming love. So I have decided I will not settle for mediocre love, not settling for anything other than fairytale. Now I appreciate those of you who know me may need a wee moment to lift your jaws off the ground. I know this must come as a shock to you all, the romance-less, hater of happy endings wants one for herself. Well yes, she does and she would like the whole package. The nerves, the butterflies, the hours spent just being with that person because there is no where better to be.

And that ladies and gentlemen is why, although JP was a great guy, funny and charming, he isn’t butterflies, and I am looking for butterflies.

So once Tuesday was over there was the whole rest of the week to battle, Wednesday was spent job hunting and generally being proactive, rather than waiting for “agencies” to help me find a job I set to and contacted companies I want to work for directly, with a witty yet professional email, not expecting a whole lot of response. What a shock I got when an email landed in my inbox from a company MD who had received my email, the email said and I quote

“I have been having the most appalling day and receiving your fiery, forthright almost borderline intrusive email just made me laugh out loud, much to the amusement of my office. I must applaud your tenacity, to email me directly and inform me of why I should hire you has been a breath of fresh air from the hoards of generic covering emails. I can tell you whole heartedly that I am saddened that we are not hiring at the moment, as I know once we are you will have been rightly snapped up. So thank you, Emma for making a very grumpy man laugh like he hasn’t in a while”

Now, no one likes a rejection letter, but if you have to get one thats the kind that you want. It has spurred me on to continue to search for the perfect role, and as in my love life I do not intend to settle for anything less than epic.

Thursday rolled round and was of course “A-Level results day” a smorgasbord of a day filled with the varying degrees of joy and despair. But my day would not be spent waiting for results, thank goodness. No my day would be filled with writing, writing my book.

Finally I feel like I have broken the back of it as I approach the 30,000 word mark. If you are interested, which I sincerely hope you are, its a dark comedy loosely based on my train crash of a dating life, its a little like this blog, overtly honest, sometimes I slightly over share and obviously filled with the obligatory sarcasm. But it all harks back to the “love” not matter what form the guys I have dated have been, the ways that we met, the ways we parted, there were parts of each of them I loved. Be it the first love, the “way out of my league” adoration, the first grown up love, or the most recent devastating painful love. Every single relationship as got me to where I am now, so I wanted to celebrate them, these men that in their own ways have helped me to grow up, and become the woman that I am. I wonder, maybe if anything comes of the book, I will send them each a copy.

Finally we come to the weekend, and a surprise party thrown for one of my closest friends, who has just signed a publishing deal, and is still very much in the slightly shell shocked phase.

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So myself, Simon & Sarah put together a little surprise gathering of Amys’ family and close friends. We drank roughly 12 bottles of wine & champagne, 10 bottles of beer and ate an obscene amount of cake. I have to admit that it was an afternoon that really made me realise how very lucky I am. To be surrounded by people who are kind, creative and wickedly funny too boot, is just about all a girl could ask for. It got me to thinking a lot last night, as I lay in bed thinking about this life that I have lived so far, I don’t think even if I was given the chance to start from scratch and do it all again, I would change a thing. The trick now is to turn everything that has got me to my ripe age of 26 years, 10 months 22 days, into lessons to get me through the next 26 years, 10 months and 22 days in as exciting a way a possible.

So the moral of this weeks slightly disjointed blog is that rather than looking over my shoulder at past love and past feeling, I have to keep putting one foot hopefully in front of the other and enjoy the trip rather than eternally searching for the ultimate destination.

That’s all for now, same time, next time

E x

Simons blog – http://pleasedontslowmedown.wordpress.com

Sarahs blog – http://alovingheartisthetruestwisedom.wordpress.com

Disappointment

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It is a charming skill we are taught as children, to not be bitter or hot headed when faced with disappointment, but to be respectful and accept it as part of growing up. But, I ask you, how are we meant to deal with it once we are grown. Should we all learn the ability to “manage our expectations”? To be a good sport? What does that even mean?

I am quite honestly bored of having to gracefully accept disappointment and let down. I am mostly bored of accepting the way people behave. It happens more and more the older I get, I am let down either by the actions of others or by events as they unfold.

From the simple trip to the cinema, spending a small fortune for the luxury of an uncomfortable seat and over priced refreshments, but after you have been rised of money, you take your seat, you become engrossed in the admosphere, the trailers and the anticipation of the feature you are about to watch. Then, sadly in most cases, I leave feeling disappointed. Take the Bourne Legacy, the amazing adverts, the knowledge that I adored the previous ones, well I tell you if I wanted a sappy romantic movie I would watch Love Actually. I would love someone to explain something to me???

Why is it when you go to see a romantic comedy with the likes of Jennifer Aniston or J-Lo, you are not bombarded with hand to hand combat or an 18 car chase? But heaven forbid you go to watch a movie that is advertised as the “Ultimate Bourne” and it is actually just that, a high octane, fast paced, heart racing action thriller. Because I tell you something I left the cinema today realising it was 2 hours of my life I was never going to get back!

But enough of the film reviews, and apologies if in just burst your bubble before you go to see it, I genuinely hope that its just my cynical way.

The real reason for this post was a follow on and update on my foray into the world of gainful employment. Well I have to tell you it started extremely well, I felt on top of the world as I left the PR speciality agency full of confidence in my transferable skills. It turned out that I really did need someone to tell me that I was good enough and someone would most definitely employ me. As I sat on the train home I was filled with a wonderful sense of belonging again, something I didn’t even realise I was missing.

And so my CV went off to a creative agency I already knew of and loved the sound of and I sat smugly thinking it was in the bag, HA! Well how I felt the fool when Friday passed with not so much as a squeak, not a word, not even a rejection, and thus began the weekend of Limbo – wondering, waiting and hoping that I would get the call to say YES they would LOVE to meet with you. Instead just as 11am passed I got the call, “you didn’t get it” gutted is a great word to describe how I felt, deflated there is another one, but of all things I felt I mostly felt disappointed. Now, I really have fantastic friends and family and as is my way I obviously posted on Facebook & twitter that I was disappointed and they were all fab as always, tweets and comments of support and condolences. But the thing that I really struggle with is the immediate need to pacify disappointment, I had messages like this “You were too good for them” “They don’t know what they are missing” “There is something way better out there for you” and I tell you something that makes for wonderful friends and family. But here is my thought on the matter. Maybe actually I wasn’t good enough for the job, right for the job, maybe they have someone far more suitable. I actually think that rather than temper my disappointment I am going to use it to adapt my CV and look into ways of making my self the perfect candidate. Its a stance I plan on adopting in all aspects of my life….dating included.

As my single years have passed, I continue to be disappointed in men I date not seeing past the fact that I am over weight, I am disouraged and in the long term angry that they are so superficial that they dont take the time to get to know me. I imagine a lot of you reading this feel that I am being hard on myself but im not. Why wouldnt a guy be put off by someone that doesnt fit the type they go for, if I was as dumb as dirt then i would expect them to have an issue with that too. Luckily i’m pretty smart & have great sense of humor so the issue holding me back is something I can change so as such I am going to deal with the weight thing, because as much as I might say “Im comfortable in my skin”, its a lie i’m not I want my size 12 body back. And before anyone says that i’m doing it for the wrong reasons, surely no matter the initial reason being healthy and well is always a better way to live that over weight and unhealthy.

So on the 15th September I will begin a 21 day regime with a friend who is also a fantastic personal trainer Chris Lupton from Innovate Fitness, you can read about it on his site, http://www.innovatefitness.co.uk. I will of course be blogging about it and tweeting so if you want to know all about it stay tuned!

Whilst researching “disappointment” I found this quote and think it suitably sums up how I plan to deal with it going forward, I will leave this post with the quote and il be back soon!

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream and how you handle the disappointment along the way”

E x

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