Bitch, Slut, Whore….

Slut; an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.

Whore; a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money

Dear Readers I need your help – could someone please tell me when it became acceptable to call other women & girls ‘SLUT’ ‘WHORE’ ‘SLAG’? Now may I just preface this by saying I know this isn’t a new occurrence in the world, and yes I have in the past passed judgement on a stranger without having any rights to. But it seems to me that all of this has now got out of hand. Worst of all it’s not coming from guys about girls, its girls about girls.

In the last 3 weeks I have seen 5 of my friends on Facebook discuss a girl we all went to school with, the said girl is dating one of the ‘mean girls’ ex boyfriends and they have all taken to bad mouthing this girl so badly on Facebook that I have noticed this morning she has deactivated her account. Now it cannot be coincidence that as the ‘mean girls’ were ripping strips of this girl, she decided to leave Facebook.

These girls; note I say girls and not women, as I can only see this behavior as that of people who aren’t grown up enough to be a touch more eloquent; I get that they feel they are protecting their recently dumped friend, but let me make something crystal clear, the aggressive attention should not be focused on the new girlfriend, but on the ex boyfriend surely. Did the new GF even know the guy when he was with his ex? We have been out of school 10 years and yet this feels a lot like it did when I was when I was 17. The difference now is that it’s not just friends on her Facebook  maybe work colleagues or family. It’s not isolated to the school common room like it was in 2002, now its out there for the whole world to see.

Even more upsetting that the 27-year-old girls behaving like school bullies is the recent increase in status’ of friends nieces and nephews and cousins of mine; suddenly it seems to be the norm to call their friends ‘Slag’. When I asked my cousin about this she said “I don’t get it really, but I don’t want to be the only one not doing it, so I do.”  This makes me so sad, I wanted to shake her and make her see the harm that she might be doing not only to herself but to her female and male friends. What chance do her female friends have of growing up and valuing themselves if their friends call them these awful names, even if only in jest. And the guys, what about them? Will they grow into the kind of guys who call the women in their life their ‘bitches’ ‘hoes’ or ‘birds’? Will they understand the way it makes those girls feel?

The reason all of this makes me so mad, is that 10 years ago I was the one being called the names, to name a few we had; slut, slag, whore, bitch, fat, ugly, gold digger, witch, tramp, hooker.  I was non of these things, yes I had boyfriends, yes I made bad decisions, but I didn’t deserve that. But I have moved on and learnt to value myself, but after leaving school I saw myself how they saw me, only good for an easy shag, because since I believed them I was ugly and fat. Fast forward 10 years and I am stood in a bar in Harrogate and bump into a guy I knew at school, who although drunk managed to introduce me to his mates, however he introduced me to these friends as “This is Emma, the easiest girl from school” WOW what an introduction. Luckily i have enough wherewithal to just walk away and not hold it against him.

When I asked on my Facebook page and twitter what women thought about the way some women speak to each other I got a range of replies;

” I’m not sure how any of those terms can be endearing, I’ve heard people using some of them in normal language with their friends…I think it’s disgusting! Wouldn’t want someone calling me any of them, in a friendly way or not!” SAH on Facebook

“When I was teaching I had to deal with this a lot (I had a horrible Yr10 form). I think a lot of it stems from America TV and film – they seem to use it there more often and not to the same effect. It’s more of a casual comment. Unfortunately it’s being used on a day-to-day basis now. Personally, I hate it!!” Sophie, Facebook

“Deeply insecure, needing affirmation that they are not like that themselves” from Laura Jane Connor 

However, there were a few who seemed to think it could be said in an endearing way, that they didn’t mean it in a cruel way but that it was almost a pet name, something that I really do not understand.

So I am planning on making sure that those words never leave my lips, whether I am discussing someone I know or not. Instead I plan on saying this to everyone I know – thank you Aibeline Clark for this.

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So seriously let me know what you think, I really want to know!

E x

 

 

Will I ever be enough?

 

Somewhat of a serious note to this weeks blog, something I have wanted to blog about really since starting Hey World.

Like many people in the world, I read blogs, I tweet and I have a Facebook account. I interact via social media every waking hour. Mostly this is down to my job, where I work with bloggers and spend most of my time at work searching and reading blogs. But I am now more than a little concerned by the amount of time I devote to it outside of work hours leads me to think that I may have a problem. It’s not just the amount of time that I spend idly checking friends Facebook status updates and photos of the weekend;  reading favourite blogs about fashion and lifestyle, or replying to and re-tweeting tweets, it’s the impact it seems to be having on my own self worth.

I follow some amazing women on twitter, they run successful companies , have beautiful husbands and angelic looking children, they are part of book clubs and attend events most nights, they snap pictures of themselves in clothes I love, and I start to think they have the life that I want.  What started as a genuine interest in the snippets  of these bloggers lives, that they chose to share with the world has now become my way of measuring myself up against others. Now when I read  blogs it makes me question my own life,  I end up feeling down about the lack of a social life I have, that I don’t go out in the week really, that I am single, that I am not at the top of my game work wise. This isn’t the bloggers fault, and I guess not really my fault; people seem to be of the opinion that its ‘modern life’; but I am not comfortable with that I don’t think. I think that I need to really stop, take a step back and re-evaluate.  Case in point – during the 40 minutes I have taken to write this post I have checked my twitter and Facebook 6 times; this makes me sad.

I read magazines and don’t belittle myself for not having airbrushed skin or a catwalk worthy body, and that’s because I know that they are edited to within an inch of their life, airbrushed and more than likely live on a diet and exercise regime that would make me weep. But the difference with bloggers is; they are real, genuine people, usually not air brushed and therefore I find myself comparing every moment of my life to them.

I think it all boils down to my competitive nature, I hate being anything but the best at things. I want to have the best blog, the coolest life and to be honest would like every now and again to feel a little smug about my life; the problem with that is I wont attempt something unless I know I will be good at it. Hence the sustained single-ness and not having the body of a fashion blogger, because what if I fail? What if at the end of it all I am never enough?

And thus the floodgates are opened about what is ‘enough’?

Will I ever be settled with my lot? Happy and content with the life that I have? Will I ever realise how fortunate I really am to have first world problems like not having a high ranking blog on Google or an instagram with 1,000,000 followers? When will I realise that although I am single, I am surrounded by love. When will I realise that my job is amazing, and that more than that I am lucky to have a job and money coming in every month, and somewhere beautiful to live.

When will it all be enough?

So with that in mind my new plan is to limit my use of social media to working hours, to put my phone out of sight of an evening and to limit myself to an hour a day over the weekend. I feel like an addict, weening myself off social media; but I am concerned that if I don’t then the feelings of inadequacy will only increase.

If you are in the same boat; I’d love to know I’m not the only one suffering with feelings of inadequacy.

E x

 

 

 

A little self doubt crept in

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Well I have to admit that this blog post has been hard and long in coming. I always thought that when you are meant to write the words come to you with ease and flow onto the page with a river like quality, actually for me it has been more like a stagnent pond.

So this week has passed with no writing, not of my book and not in my journal and not even small notes on my phone. Suddenly I no longer heard all the lovely supportive things people had to say about my writing, suddenly I was a failure, I was a writing fraud. It amazes me that in one breathe we are on top of the world that people adore what we do and have to say, we feel we can write for years and the words will just keep coming. In the next breath there are no words and just a whole world of self doubt and a decision to stop and quit. Quitting is something that I am not comfortable with, however I am a keen punisher of myself if feelings of doubt creep into my life.

I decided today that i would silence my inner chatterbox and just sit, chill and read, watch and listen to things that make me happy. So I have watched When Harry Met Sally, have read blogs that I love, and listened to various albums including Beyonce “4″

one of the songs on this album is called “I was here” it is all about wanting to leave something behind when you physically leave this earth. to know that you made a difference, that you will be remembered, that you left your mark.

The line from the song that really resinates with me and for some reason more so today goes like this….

“I was here, I just want them to know. That I gave it my all, did my best. Brought someone to happiness, left this world a little better. Just because, I was here.”

I think that knowing that we have left a legacy behind us is something we all need, even if we do not ever vocalise it. Whether its having children, working for a charity, inventing products, fighting for what you believe. All of it means that when you are no longer living your work, family or legacy will live on. I have realised that it what I want from my writing, I would love that if I ever did go on to have children that they would not only know me as a mother but also as a woman. I beleive that sadly children do not see thier parents in that way until they have passed away. I didnt really understand my dad until I heard people talking about him at his funeral, I saw him as a friend, confidant and more than simply the wonderful father that I knew & loved.

I thought that my last relationship would lead to marriage, kids and happy ever after…but it didnt. I thought that my business would make me a millionaire and lead to eternal happiness….it didnt. Then I realised that I was looking externally for my happy ever after, I am now happy in the knowledge that the only guarantee of happy ever after, is to learn acceptance, grace and forgiveness, and to find an outlet, my outlet is writing. I have now come to the wonderful feeling of acceptance that I am good at it, simply because it makes me happy, it gives me purpose, it helps me accept my feelings and thoughts. in turn it is great that it helps others, people I have and maybe will never meet, as well as those I love.

So to avoid this feeling of not contributing or not leaving a mark on the world, I have written the 5 ways I plan to leave my footprints in the sand.

1 – Document everything, write about it, photograph it. Keep it safe.
2 – Contribute to the lives of the young people in my life, my cousins, my friends children.
3 – Love someone with all of my heart
4 – Write honestly, from my heart without any concern how it will be percieved
5 – Do not limit myself. Ever.

It has been so rewarding to read people on twitter and facebook willing me on to write more, that they are waiting to read more of what I have to say about life, my little life. So thank you for that, for being kind to me and making me feel that I can do anything I put my mind to.

So for this time that’s all folks.

This week I will me ensuring that I “notice” everything on this adventure I have embarked on.

Thank you for reading and il be back soon

E x

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