Will I ever be enough?

 

Somewhat of a serious note to this weeks blog, something I have wanted to blog about really since starting Hey World.

Like many people in the world, I read blogs, I tweet and I have a Facebook account. I interact via social media every waking hour. Mostly this is down to my job, where I work with bloggers and spend most of my time at work searching and reading blogs. But I am now more than a little concerned by the amount of time I devote to it outside of work hours leads me to think that I may have a problem. It’s not just the amount of time that I spend idly checking friends Facebook status updates and photos of the weekend;  reading favourite blogs about fashion and lifestyle, or replying to and re-tweeting tweets, it’s the impact it seems to be having on my own self worth.

I follow some amazing women on twitter, they run successful companies , have beautiful husbands and angelic looking children, they are part of book clubs and attend events most nights, they snap pictures of themselves in clothes I love, and I start to think they have the life that I want.  What started as a genuine interest in the snippets  of these bloggers lives, that they chose to share with the world has now become my way of measuring myself up against others. Now when I read  blogs it makes me question my own life,  I end up feeling down about the lack of a social life I have, that I don’t go out in the week really, that I am single, that I am not at the top of my game work wise. This isn’t the bloggers fault, and I guess not really my fault; people seem to be of the opinion that its ‘modern life’; but I am not comfortable with that I don’t think. I think that I need to really stop, take a step back and re-evaluate.  Case in point – during the 40 minutes I have taken to write this post I have checked my twitter and Facebook 6 times; this makes me sad.

I read magazines and don’t belittle myself for not having airbrushed skin or a catwalk worthy body, and that’s because I know that they are edited to within an inch of their life, airbrushed and more than likely live on a diet and exercise regime that would make me weep. But the difference with bloggers is; they are real, genuine people, usually not air brushed and therefore I find myself comparing every moment of my life to them.

I think it all boils down to my competitive nature, I hate being anything but the best at things. I want to have the best blog, the coolest life and to be honest would like every now and again to feel a little smug about my life; the problem with that is I wont attempt something unless I know I will be good at it. Hence the sustained single-ness and not having the body of a fashion blogger, because what if I fail? What if at the end of it all I am never enough?

And thus the floodgates are opened about what is ‘enough’?

Will I ever be settled with my lot? Happy and content with the life that I have? Will I ever realise how fortunate I really am to have first world problems like not having a high ranking blog on Google or an instagram with 1,000,000 followers? When will I realise that although I am single, I am surrounded by love. When will I realise that my job is amazing, and that more than that I am lucky to have a job and money coming in every month, and somewhere beautiful to live.

When will it all be enough?

So with that in mind my new plan is to limit my use of social media to working hours, to put my phone out of sight of an evening and to limit myself to an hour a day over the weekend. I feel like an addict, weening myself off social media; but I am concerned that if I don’t then the feelings of inadequacy will only increase.

If you are in the same boat; I’d love to know I’m not the only one suffering with feelings of inadequacy.

E x

 

 

 

Is it better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody?

My name is Emma-Louise Trotter and I think I am a fraud.

If I was to be completely honest, as I always try to be with you, I think it in almost every area of my life, even as I write this blog I am plagued with feelings of inadequacy. What if people find out that I am actually just pretending to be a good writer and that I make no sense at all. I have written, deleted, rehashed and rewritten this first paragraph, as I do with every post I write, I delete, reword and shuffle. This I am told, by a friend of mine who is an author, is completely normal and simply makes for a good writer, but I have to admit that although her words usually soothe my insanity, this time though not so much. Instead I sit here once more, filled with almost dread that infact someone is going to appear and inform me that in fact I am crap, I cannot write and I would be wise to do the whole blog reading world a service and find a cave somewhere to hide in until the public have finished laughing at my feeble attempt at writing. So I over compensate, I am wild when it comes to self promotion, the first to tweet and post on my facebook about my new post, I believe that the saying goes ‘fake it til you make it’ but now I am concerned that I will end up being a fake somebody and a real nobody.

Most people who know me, I imagine, would describe me as an outgoing confident person, someone who throws herself into life with rather a wonderful aplomb. However, in all honesty almost everything concerns me, I worry about most things that the usual folks concern themselves with and then on top of that I worry about the most peculiar of things.

Il give you a little example, if my phone rings and its a number I don’t know then my immediate reaction is not ‘oohhh i wonder who that is’ its more along the lines of ‘shit whose that? Whats happened? Oh God!’ Bare in mind that when I had my own business my phone rang numerous times every day, and as such I spent large chunks of time feeling really rather unwell with worry….

…and now with this wonderful new job comes equally interesting new worries, every time I get an email from the head of my team, I am convinced that the company has realised that I am in fact useless and not worth having in the team. Truly ridiculous , considering that both of my bosses have, in the last week, told me what a good job I am doing, and yet my inner dialogue is in no way silenced. It simply moves on to another theme, another aspect of my life.

The time that upsets me most is when my mind is allowed to wander to my friendships. I have a real variety of friends, from a physiotherapist, to author, to PA, to an accountant. I have, of course, a slightly different relationship with each of them, they bring something into my life and I can only hope that I do the same for them. But as with my job and my writing abilities I am constantly at odds with myself. What if they really don’t like me, what if actually they chat about it when I am not there, what if they would rather not be friends with me. I am incredibly loyal and go out of my way to support my friends, however they live their lives and I think a lot of my self-doubt comes when friends question that support and care, when they question my loyalty or my actions. Sadly it happens more than I care for.

However, I have worked out a way to deal with that, and its to spend time with people who make me feel valued, people who make me laugh until I almost choke to death on my dinner, people who are there, regardless, with honest and heartfelt care. They have no agenda, they could be else where, but chose to be with me.

This weekend I did just that and it was wonderful, it made me feel wonderful, it eased my chatterbox. I had some of my favourite people round for dinner, including the physio and the author, we howled with laughter, not a moment passed with awkward silence or in fact with anything other than really good fun. Then the following day a few of us sat and people watched in Starbucks and I then giggled the night away with them and went to bed with no voice telling me that I should worry. It was lovely, it was reassuring, mostly because they are straight forward good people, they make me feel important and that does silence the inner critic.

What i have learnt from all of this ,is that there are people in this world who bring something to the table, they offer more than you expect and all they want in return is someone who they can call a friend, the same goes for work, I will continue to go in and give my all, work hard and be the best I can be, for myself as well as for them. As for my writing, well I think honestly that if I wasn’t a little concerned of being thought of as a fraud, I wouldn’t try half as hard to be honest and truthful and write about real, honest, truthful life.

So maybe I wont ever be a perfect somebody, but i’m well on the way to really liking the real somebody that I am.

E x